Q. Doesn't chastity ruin the excitement of dating?

A. The media tell us that the most exciting sex is outside marriage, but in reality the opposite is true. In 1999, USA Today published an article titled, "Aha! Call It the Revenge of the Church Ladies."(1) This report summarized the findings of the most "comprehensive and methodologically sound" sex survey ever conducted. The first three sentences of the report say it all:

"Sigmund Freud said they suffer from an 'obsessional neurosis' accompanied by guilt, suppressed emotions and repressed sexuality. Former Saturday Night Live comedian Dana Carvey satirized them as uptight prudes who believe sex is downright dirty. But several major research studies show that church ladies (and the men who sleep with them) are among the most sexually satisfied people on the face of the Earth."

Now isn't that special?

The article concluded by saying that the Bible's teaching on sex would "come as a shock to those who believe that God is a cosmic killjoy when it comes to sexuality." The world constantly tells us that when it comes to sex, everyone is doing it, and the people having the most fun are the wild singles depicted on television sitcoms, while married life is dull and unromantic. However, according to widely-accepted research on the matter, "The public image of sex in America bears virtually no relationship to the truth."(2)

Of those having sex, researchers found that the least satisfied were unmarried people.(3)Those who had sex outside of marriage were aware that while it felt good during the act, that did not mean they felt good about themselves afterwards. The guilt coupled with the anxious fear of being used, becoming pregnant, or contracting a disease lessened the sexual satisfaction of those who were promiscuous.

On the other hand, research showed that those who were married to a faithful partner had the highest reports of sexual enjoyment on both a physical and emotional level, and they were most likely to feel "satisfied," "loved," "thrilled," "wanted," and "taken care of."(4) Contrary to what the world incessantly says, research shows that marriages benefit from a lack of premarital sexual experience.(5) In other words, great sex is not the result of sexual experience and technique. If anything, great sex is the fruit of a happy marriage, not the cause of it.

Physiological research has also shown that the human body is not designed for promiscuity. Dr. Winnifred Cutler is a leading authority in the biology of human reproduction and sexuality. She demonstrated that within a monogamous sexual relationship (marriage), the two bodies actually adapt to each other. The testosterone level in the man tends to reach its highest point at the same time that the estrogen peaks in his wife, creating even greater pleasure. This creates a kind of "hormonal symphony," that is impossible in passing promiscuous relationships.(6)

It has also been discovered that "married couples who pray together are ninety percent more likely to report higher satisfaction with their sex life than couples who do not pray together."(7) So if we are only interested in doing what gives the most pleasure (which we should not be), the facts point back to God's original plan: "A man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24).

The bottom line is that there is something exciting in restraint, something that makes a chaste couple seem to glow in their wedding pictures. One woman in her mid-twenties pointed out that chastity "may be the proof of God, because it means that we have been designed in such a way that when we humans act like animals, without any restraint and without any rules, we just don't have as much fun."(8) In fact, people who misused their sexuality are longing for this kind of enduring love. After all, being loved is much more exciting than being used.

When a couple is pure, they exercise self-control not because of an absence of passion but because of the presence of love.
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1. William Mattox Jr., "Aha! Call It the Revenge of the Church Ladies," USA Today, 11 February, 1999 (www.usatoday.com).
2. Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994), 1. As quoted by Glenn T. Stanton, Why Marriage Matters (Colorado Springs, Colorado: Piñon Press, 1997), 41.
3. Laumann and others, The Social Organization of Sexuality, table 10.5, 364. As quoted by Stanton, Why Marriage Matters, 41.
4. Laumann and others, The Social Organization of Sexuality, table 10.7, 368. As quoted by Stanton, Why Marriage Matters, 41.
5. W. R. Mattox, "What's Marriage Got to Do with It? Good Sex Comes to Those Who Wait," Family Policy 6:6 (1994): 1–8. As quoted by Wetzel, Sexual Wisdom, 23.
6. Winnifred B. Cutler, Love Cycles: The Science of Intimacy (New York: Villard Books, 1991), 108–109, 244. As quoted by Stanton, Why Marriage Matters, 46.
7. Les Parrott III and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995), 145.
8. Wendy Shalit, A Return to Modesty (New York: Touchstone, 1999), 193.


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