7 REASONS NOT TO MARRY

by Susan Stith
Family Life Director – Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.
This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.
This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true self. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.
Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don't want to do by your partner.
Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don't be fooled by your partner's promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

• One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
• Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
• You can't have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
• You become careless with important relationships.
• You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs - not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship. (For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage)
You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.
This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

Ten Important Research Findings On Marriage And Choosing a Marriage Partner

By David Popenoe, Ph.D.
The National Marriage Project, Rutgers University

1. Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce.

People who marry in their teens are two to three times more likely to divorce than people who marry in their twenties or later.

2. People are most likely to find a future marriage partner through an introduction by family, friends, or acquaintances.

Despite the romantic notion that people meet and fall in love through chance or fate, evidence suggests that social networks are important in bringing together individuals of similar interests and backgrounds. According to a large-scale national survey, almost 60% of married people were introduced by family, friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.

3. People who are similar in their values, backgrounds and life goals are more likely to have a successful marriage.

Opposites may attract but they may not live together harmoniously as married couples. People who share common backgrounds and similar social networks are better suited as marriage partners than people who are very different in their backgrounds and networks.

4. Women have a significantly better chance of marrying if they do not become single parents before marrying.

Having a child out of wedlock reduces the chances of ever marrying. Despite the growing numbers of potential marriage partners with children, one study noted, "having children is still one of the least desirable characteristics a potential marriage partner can possess." The only characteristic ranked lower is the inability to hold a steady job.

5. Women and men who are college-educated are more likely to marry, and less likely to divorce, than people with lower levels of education.

Predictions of lifelong singlehood for college-educated women have proven false. Although the first generation of college-educated women (those who earned baccalaureate degrees in the 1920s) married less frequently than their less well-educated peers, the reverse is true today. College-educated women's chances of marrying are better than less well-educated women. However, the growing gender gap in college education may make it more difficult for college women to find similarly well-educated men in the future. This is already a problem for African-American female college graduates, who greatly outnumber African-American male college graduates.

6. Living together before marriage has not proved useful as a "trial marriage."

People who have multiple cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience marital conflict, marital unhappiness and eventual divorce than people who do not cohabit before marriage. Researchers attribute some but not all of these differences to the characteristics of people who cohabit, the so-called "selection effect," rather than to the experience of cohabiting itself. It has been suggested that the negative effects of cohabitation on future marital success may diminish as living together becomes a common experience. However, according to one study of couples who were married between 1981 and 1997, the negative effects persist among younger cohorts, supporting the view that the cohabitation experience itself contributes to problems in marriage.

7. Marriage helps people to generate income and wealth.

Married people do better economically. Men become more productive after marriage; they earn between ten and forty percent more than single men with similar education and job histories. Marital social norms that encourage healthy, productive behavior and wealth accumulation play a role. Some of the greater wealth of married couples results from their more efficient specialization and pooling of resources, and because they save more. Married people also receive more money from family members than the unmarried (including cohabiting couples), probably because families consider marriage more permanent and binding than a cohabiting union.

8. People who are married are more likely to have emotionally and physically satisfying sex lives than single people or those who live together.

Contrary to the popular belief that married sex is boring and infrequent, married people report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than sexually active singles and cohabiting couples, according to the most comprehensive and recent survey of sexuality. Forty-two percent of wives said that they found sex emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to just 31% of single women who had a sex partner. Forty-eight percent of husbands said sex was satisfying emotionally, compared to just 37% of cohabiting men. The higher level of commitment in marriage is probably the reason for the high level of reported sexual satisfaction. Marital commitment contributes to a greater sense of trust and security, less drug and alcohol-infused sex, and better communication between spouses.

9. People whose parents divorced are slightly less likely to marry. They are much more likely to divorce when they do marry.

According to one study the divorce risk nearly triples if one marries someone who also comes from a home where the parents divorced. The increased risk is much lower, however, if the marital partner is someone who grew up in a happy, intact family.

10. For large segments of the population, the risk of divorce is far below fifty percent.

Although the overall divorce rate in America remains close to fifty percent of all marriages, it has been dropping over the past two decades. The risk of divorce is far below fifty percent for educated people going into their first marriage, and lower still for people who wait to marry at least until their mid-twenties, haven't lived with many different partners prior to marriage, or are strongly religious and marry someone of the same faith.

Q. What's wrong with masturbation? I think of it as getting rid of your temptations without leading anyone into sin.

A. Masturbation doesn't get rid of temptations any more than a prostitute does. Both may temporarily relieve sexual desires, but our goal as Christians is not simply to get rid of temptations. Our goal is to glorify God with our bodies. The idea that masturbation can be used to decrease sexual desires is like saying that lighter fluid can be used to extinguish a fire. If anything, masturbation incites lustful thoughts and teaches a person that he or she deserves--and needs--sexual gratification whenever the desire arises.

To understand why masturbation is wrong, we need to step back from the world's constant clamoring for sexual "needs" and go back to God's plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. When it is taken out of that context the gift is degraded--and in the case of masturbation, altogether ceases being a gift. The purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the center of the sexual act becomes "me" instead of "we" and the person is trained to look to himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of one's sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure. Only selfless giving will fulfill you.

When people misuse their sexuality in this way, they begin to use pleasure to change their mood, release tension, or forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape. It may pacify them, but it will never satisfy them, because they'll always want more. They use the fantasies of their mind and the pleasures of their body to flee from reality and the call to love. Their goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love. If men and women have trained themselves to use their sexuality in this way, why would this suddenly change once they're married? The husband or wife will simply be a substitute for the fantasies, to be used in place of self. They may even imagine the fantasies while with their spouse. The problem is that the lust will be transferred to the other, not healed within.

Worse yet, merely getting married will not cure their problem with masturbation. Because masturbation has trained disordered impulses in them, the true pleasures of marriage--though far superior--may not appease their warped attachments. Where will they turn to find those pleasures within marriage? Often, they'll continue to struggle with masturbation, to the sorrow and distress of their spouse, and to the detriment of their marriage. A person who does not preserve his own purity when alone will have a difficult time remaining pure with another. If he lacks self-control when alone, he will be unable to properly give himself to his spouse when the time comes. You can not give what you do not control. No self-control equals no gift of self. To the extent that there is no gift of self, there is no love. If you want to be able to genuinely love your spouse, you must build self-mastery.

Q. I don’t understand the deal with modesty. If a guy has a bad imagination, that should be his issue and not mine. Why should I have to dress a certain way for his sake?

A. If you’re a young woman who has ever been fed up over the way guys often treat women, and wondered what could be done to restore a sense of respect, know that your number one weapon to reform the world is modesty. The problem is this: Many men today do not know how to relate to women. But, the remedy for this ailment lies in the hands of women. “Ultimately, it seems that only men can teach other men how to behave around women, but those men have to be inspired by women in the first place; inspired enough to think the women are worth being courteous to.”(1)

How will this happen? Well, young women tend to be aware that they have the power to seduce a man. But few girls are aware that their femininity can be used to educate a guy. By the way a girl dresses (not to mention the way she dances), she has an extraordinary ability to mold a man into a gentleman or into a beast.

I’ve read tens of thousands of pages of theology and sex ed., but I never learned how to treat a woman until I dated one who dressed modestly. It was captivating, and I realized for the first time that immodest dress gets in the way of seeing a woman for who she is. Immodest outfits might attract a man to a girl’s body, but it distracts him from seeing her as a person. In the words of one man, “If you want a man to respect you, and perhaps eventually fall in love with you, then you must show him that you respect yourself and that you recognize your dignity before God.”(2)

When a woman dresses modestly, it inspires a guy in a way that I’m not ashamed to say that I cannot explain. I suppose that it is safe to say that it conveys your worth to us. When a woman dresses modestly, I can take her seriously as a woman because she isn’t preoccupied with clamoring for attention. Such humility is radiant. Unfortunately, many women are so preoccupied with turning men’s heads that they overlook their power to turn our hearts.

Sometimes femininity is confused with weakness, but nothing could be further from the truth. A woman who is truly feminine is well aware that she could dress like a collection of body parts, and receive countless stares from guys. But she has the strength to leave some room for mystery. She’s worth waiting to see, and she knows it. She trusts God’s timing, and she knows that she does not need to make men gawk in order to catch the attention of the man God has planned for her.

Pope John Paul II said in his letter on the dignity of women, “The hour is coming, in fact has come, when the vocation of women is being acknowledged in its fullness, the hour in which women acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power never hitherto achieved. That is why, at this moment when the human race is undergoing so deep a transformation, women imbued with a spirit of the Gospel can do so much to aid humanity in not falling.”(3)

So what is modesty? For starters, it is not about looking as ugly as physically possible. It’s about taking the natural beauty of womanhood, and using it to radiate a deeper message about her identity. She is a daughter of the king of heaven, and her outfits, postures, and mannerisms don’t distract from this. She’s aware that her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and that her womb (and her entire body) is sacred. This brings about a certain humility of the body, since humility is the proper attitude towards greatness. In this case, it is the greatness of being made in the image and likeness of God.

This is not an “I’m woman, hear me roar!” bit, but a serene sense of not needing to grope for attention. Sure, most guys will gawk at woman who dresses provocatively, but in your heart, do you long to be gawked at, or to be loved? You want real love. But when a girl dresses immodestly she often doesn’t realize that she is shooting herself in the foot from finding the intimacy for which she yearns. For one, when a girl wears outfits that could not be any tighter without cutting off her circulation, she is sending a clear message to guys. This message says, “Hey boys, the greatest thing about me is my body.” They’ll stare, and will probably agree. So if her body is the greatest thing about her, it must be all downhill form there. If that’s the best she has to offer, then why should he get to know her heart, her dreams, her fears, and her family? He wants to get to know her body.

Dressing immodestly also harms a girl’s chances of being loved because of the type of guys that will be drawn to her, and how they’ll treat her. By the way a girl dresses, she sends out an unspoken invitation for men to treat her the way she looks. For example, consider a magazine that I recently saw at an airport newsstand: On the cover was a woman wearing a short skirt that could be mistaken for a wide belt. Her airtight top was scarcely the size of an unfolded napkin, and in big bold letters across the cover was “Suzie (or whatever her name was—I don’t remember) wants men to respect her!” I wished her the best of luck and walked on to my gate (after covering up the magazine with a few issues of Quilting Digest. I consider this a corporal work of mercy—clothing the naked.) Although a girl deserves respect no matter what she wears, a guy can tell how much a woman respects herself by how she is dressed. If she doesn’t respect herself, odds are guys will follow her lead

I truly believe that in the heart of a woman, there is no desire to look sexy. Is there a desire to receive attention, affection, and love? Certainly. But, is there a desire to be reduced to a sex object? No girl wants to go there, but many do for the sake of receiving emotional gratification. Now, when a girl is putting on a belly button-showing, spaghetti strap shirt, she is not thinking about how she hopes to lead men to sin. The girl thinks, “The woman on the cover of the magazine wore this, and it turns heads. So, if I wear it, guys will look at me, and I might meet a nice one.” More simply: “I want to be loved.”

So, let’s assume that a girl dresses provocatively and she comes across a genuinely good man. The man that she longs to find is no better off because of her outfit. Because men are more visually stimulated than women, immodesty can easily trigger lustful thoughts. When a man harbors these impure ideas that come to mind, our lust separates us from Christ, the source of unconditional love. Does a woman really want to separate men from the source of the unconditional love that she seeks? If not, then why not opt for the more modest outfit? There’s nothing wrong with wearing things that make you look attractive, but as a Christian woman, seductive and sexy outfits should not be part of your wardrobe. If your heart is saying, “Is this too short?” or “Does this look too tight?” Listen to that voice, because it has already answered your question.

I ask you to listen to this voice for your sake and for ours. For your sake, realize that as a moat surrounds a castle, modesty guards the treasure of chastity. For our sake, remember when Cain killed Abel back in Genesis? When God asked Cain where his brother was, Cain replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” In the same way, it’s all too easy for guys and girls alike to shrug off the responsibility we have to lead one another to purity. We need to adopt the attitude of St. Paul, and live in a way so as not to do anything that causes your brother to stumble (Rom. 14:21).

Some girls expend more energy trying to make guys notice them (even if they have no interest in the guys) than they spend trying to focus young men’s attention on God. As a woman of God, use the beauty of your femininity to catch souls for God. There’s no problem with looking attractive. Problems arise, however, when clothing (or the lack thereof) is worn in a way that is immodest, or when a person falls into vanity and excessive concern about looking perfect. Your body is precious in the sight of God, and you need not look like a goddess to deserve love.
_____________________________
(1.) Shalit, A Return to Modesty, p. 157.
(2.) Mike Mathews, “Sexy Fashions? What Do Men Think?” Lovematters.com, p. 10.
(3.) John Paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem (Intro), op. cit., p. 443.

from: http://www.chastity.com/

Dragons, Maidens in Distress and Jesus

Once upon a time in a far, far away kingdom lived a boy. And the boy dreamed of being a knight, fight dragons and rescue the lovely princess. Time passed and the boy grew…

When I was a little kid, I always read my uncle’s collection of the “Illustrated Classics”. It’s basically fairy tales in comic book form. Most of the fairy tales is about a young man, prince or popper, trying to win the hand of the princess by going through journeys full of peril. I admired the virtues of the heroes their in the fairy tales. All of them were brave and ready to risk their very lives to win the heart of their beloved. I was also attracted to the purity and kindness of the princesses in the stories.

After my conversion back to my Catholic faith from years of being a “lukewarm Catholic”, I got into reading the lives of the Saints. I was captivated by these mere humans who did heroic things. They were better than fairy tales because they were real stories of real people. Most of all these Saints were more madly in love than the heroes on the fairy tales. First time I saw what a romantic looked liked. These people we IN LOVED!

All of them were crazy in love with Jesus.

I think I can live like those heroes in the fairy tales, but for real. Living up to my Christian faith and standing up for Jesus has become heroic these days. The dragons that I will encounter are not like those on the books but real life people. Critics and skeptics who have the same fiery mouth as a dragon and whose tongues are sharp as a sword.

But most of all I can be like those romantic and heroic knights who risked their life for their beloved. I know too that I will have the opportunity to take risks for my beloved Jesus to prove my love for Him.

It has been 4 years that I have tried to server Jesus, and it’s been one crazy tale. The funny thing is I believe I am just in the prologue of the story

Kids Dropping by My Pad

Here are 3 kids who just dropped by at my house to ask for some water and snacks. Actually there are a lot kids who drop by here to ask some snacks. They sometimes really gets on my nerve when they become demanding and shout loudly "Kuya Daxx" at the gate, and they won't stop until I go see them. But they do help me to become generous and most of all patient.

And every time i feel I am losing my patience with them i remind myself of this verse:

"I tell you with certainty, whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is a disciple will never lose his reward." Mt 10:32

Q. How do you know if a guy loves you or wants to use you?Q. How do you know if a guy loves you or wants to use you?

A. Step one is to only commit to a guy if you've had a long friendship with him, your family likes him, and you can see yourself marrying him. Also, practice the principles of courtship, here.

Secondly, do NOT pay attention to his words. His actions are what matters. I've seen relationships where the guy cheated on the girl, and as soon as he got caught, his first words were, "Baby, it's not what you think. I love you." Thankfully, the girl wasn't convinced, and she dumped him.

I think that girls easily get swept away by a guy's flattering words because the media tends to make women feel constantly imperfect. Therefore, the "I love you baby, you're so beautiful, you're the only one for me," language really sweeps away some girls.

But this is where a girl must have wisdom. No matter what he says, don't give him sexual stuff. If a guy pressures you to give him your body, then he doesn't love you. Period.

Although this will weed out a lot of immature guys, only time will reveal a man's intentions. One man said, "If I sensed there was a moral dilemma in her mind, I would play any role necessary to reach the point where sex became inevitable."(1) There are many good guys out there but there are also plenty of predators who will tell a girl whatever she wants to hear. Therefore, a girl needs to proceed slowly, develop the skill of listening to her heart, and have the courage to follow it. Otherwise, a young woman may be left feeling as this fifteen-year-old did: "I felt strange, and in a sense, used. It was like we were both caring for the same person--him. I felt left out of it."(2)
______________________________________
1. McDowell, Why Wait?, 110.
2. Joyce L. Vedral, Boyfriends: Getting Them, Keeping Them, Living Without Them (New York: Ballantine Books, 1990). As quoted by www.lovematters.com/teenstalk.htm

from pureloveclub.com

Q. I've been dating this guy and I've know for a long time that we've been too physical. I try to slow things down, and I end up feeling really guilty, because he'll bring up my past and the stuff I've done with other guys before. Or, he'll make me feel like I don't like him anymore if I don't do the stuff. I'm not a virgin, but I don't know what I need to do to make him respect me.

A. I met a few 7th grade girls a week ago in DC after one of my talks, and they explained to me that they didn't know hot to say no to a boyfriend. They would do stuff they didn't feel comfortable with to their boyfriends, and even if a dork or a jerk asked them out, they would say “yes.” Then, when they were without a boy, they said they would “be sad and cry and eat ice cream and get overweight.” They asked me what they should do since they were now sad because they weren't dating anyone. In a loving tone, I said, "Get over it. The last thing this world needs is a couple of women who can't stand on their own two feet because they need to cling to a boy to be secure and happy. Don't be pathetic. Cheer up. I mean, do you really want to marry any of these seventh grade guys?” Their response?” “Ewww! Gross!” “Alright” I said, “See, you’ll be okay.” They quickly smiled and ran off without a concern. Now, it's not always that easy, but I think sometimes we need a kick in the butt more than a hug. As for you, I think you could use both.

You deserve so much better than this guy. And you will find someone so much better than this IF, and I repeat IF, you make the wise decision that you are capable of making. You're not his doormat. Sure, you feel close to this guy because of how intimate you've become with him. But it's done. He’ll use you as long as you're available, but you are not his toy. What if you leave him, and then he calls back in a week and says he's had a change of heart, and things will be different? Will you fall for the bait and jump back in? If you want love, you must reject its counterfeits.

You've got to realize that you're trying to save this relationship because you don't want to face the hurt if it fails. It failed when it began, and all that has happened since then is that you're trying to distract yourself from that fact. Accept that you made a big mistake that won't happen again. You're not going to get this guy to love you by being more physical with him.

Be strong. I promise you will not regret it. Will it be tough? Yes. But look at the lives of young women who refuse to be strong. Now is the time to learn the single most important word for finding love . . . NO.

I’d also encourage you to go to confession. You need grace for what you are up against. Ask the Lord to give you a contrite heart. Knowledge of our sins is a gift from the Holy Spirit that we often don't want to receive. Have the courage to ask for it with a Rosary. God has something so much better for you, if you would only let go. (Jeremiah 29:11-14 - read it).

I once read that in order to catch monkeys in Africa, they hollow out a big hard vegetable, and put tinfoil in it through a small hole. The monkey sees the shiny tinfoil, and reaches in to grab it. When he clenches his fist, it is too big to fit out of the hole. He'll pull and pull until he starves to death, or until hunters come and kill him. If he would only let go, he'd be free. But he wants that tinfoil so much that it costs him his life. You get the idea. Let it go, and be assured of my prayers as you do so. I believe in you.

From Pureloveclub.com

Q. I’m terrified at the thought of growing old alone. How should I deal with this?

A. I do not know how old you are, or how long you have been struggling with this. But check out these words of encouragement by St. Francis De Sales:

“The everlasting God has in his wisdom foreseen from eternity, the cross he now presents to you as a gift from his innermost heart. This cross he now sends you he has considered with his all-knowing eyes, understood with his divine mind, tested with his wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with his own hands to see that it not be one ounce too heavy for you. he has blessed it with his holy name, anointed it with his grace, perfumed it with his consolation, and taken one last glance at you and your courage – has sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the merciful love of God.”

So know that God is with you through this difficult time. Only he can satisfy your heart. For example, a good friend of mine is over 50 years old, and has never been married. I'm sure she experiences loneliness at times, but she radiates such joy because her life has become a gift for others. In fact, she is more joyful than any married person I have ever met! Her heart is at rest in God alone. She knows that nothing but God can sustain her in peace. When we look to people, or even to marriage, as the solution to all our pain and loneliness, we can begin to make an idol out of it. When people do this, they often enter bad marriages, or become depressed because marriage has not occurred.

To help prevent this, go to a good Christian/Catholic bookstore, and look in the section for dating, singles, and young adults. There are several good books out there that specifically address the single season of life, and how you can make it some of the best years of your life. After all, God may call you to marriage in five years, and you certainly don't want to be miserable until then. Maybe he'll call you to the religious life and you'll be thrilled to have Christ as your groom. Only he knows the future, and so now you must focus on him alone. When you have a second, read Jeremiah 29:11-14 . . . and be assured of my prayers.

What can you learn when things go wrong?

I started my day today kinda nutty! Things just were not going well. I had a lot of things to do and it’s a hassle when things go wrong! I have to exert extra effort to fix it, plus dealing with the irritation of the inconvenience.

Few days ago I was praying that I want to move from “a mentality of fear” to a “mentality of trust in God”. I was praying for more faith.

As I went to my lunch meeting today, I was thinking what was happening. I am the kind of person who is always suspicious about God’s actions in my life. I was thinking what God was trying to teach me with all of these problems. I realized then that the only time I can exercise my faith is when I really need to trust God to get me out of the mess I am in. So decided to just trust God to whatever the outcome of the situation, good or bad, knowing that I surrendered it all to Him.

As I was riding the FX going to the lunch meeting, I decided to listen to Jars of Clay on my mp3 player and just sing to God in my head. Slowly my anxiety went away. When I arrived at Makati I was in a good mood. I was even clowning around during lunch.

I believe sometimes God permits trials and problems for our personal growth. Most of us like to be comfortable and complacent. Michael Jordan did not become a legend sitting at the bench and imagining he was shooting hoops. He trained really hard, played hard and suffered a lot of losses. His ability to overcome them was what made him great. I always try to view all my problems in life as an opportunity to grow. Most of my compassion and conviction came not from the good things that happened to me, but because I myself have suffered a lot. I know what it means to suffer and the insanity that goes with it.

God prunes us for us to bear more fruit.

I also keep reminding myself that I must able to handle this problem well, or else I won’t be able to handle the bigger problems that will come in the future. The verse that was popping in my head was, “He who is faithful in a very little [thing] is faithful also in much” I kept saying to myself, “If you can’t handle this problem, how will you ever do bigger things for the Lord?”

So what can you learn when things go wrong? A LOT!

Q. Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

A. You always hear people saying, "My history teacher said that when he first saw his wife across the street, he knew it was love. He walked through the traffic, immediately asked her out to lunch, and proposed to her right there." Stories like this usually make girls teary eyed, like when they see a good AT&T or Kleenex commercial.

But is there such a thing as love at first sight? I guess to answer that you have to define what love is. Most people think of love as this incredible emotion, and in that case, lots of people experience "love" at first sight. But if love is a decision to do what is best for the other, then most people don't even think of it when they first meet a person.

Usually, "love at first sight" is when two people are immediately infatuated, and the relationship ends up working out. But the reason it worked out is not because of that intense first impression, but because they chose to love each other, even when the infatuation faded. The foundation for that love is not the mysterious feeling they had when they first laid eyes upon each other. The foundation of that love is the day-to-day sacrifices and acts of kindness they do for one another.

Occasionally, you have the immediate infatuation that ends up becoming a 75 year marriage. More often, there is immediate infatuation, and a couple jumps into a relationship for whatever reasons, and it putters out when the feelings fade. More often than that is when people have an immediate attraction, and you never end up seeing the other person again.

When it comes to relationships, usually you have two people who meet, and their first thought is not marriage. Over time, they grow to know each other, and love blossoms though commitment. So, what really matters is not that we long for a fairy tale "love at first sight" romance, but that we remain open to what God has in mind for us. He is the author of romance, and his will for us is perfect. The closer we cleave to him, the more our hands will be open to receive the gifts he wishes to give us.

With all that having been said, I do admit that during my very first conversation when I met my wife Crystalina, I though to myself, "Should I tell her now, or later, that I am going to marry her?" I didn't tell her this until a year later, and she shared with me that the same thought passed through her head at the same conversation. I think one reason for this is that we were both taking a clear break from relationships in our lives to pursue the will of God, free from distractions. I had been away from the dating scene for about a year, and she had been free from it for three years. I think that time off and prayer gave us more clarity. But, what makes our relationship last is our decision to love through patience and forgiveness.

What’s wrong with regarding yourself too much?

One of my favorite saint is St Philip Neri because he was hilarious. He did funny things to humiliate himself to protect his humility. One thing St Philip dreaded was “self-regard”. He did not want people thinking that he was a holy man. So he tried to do the funniest thing so people would look down on him, like wearing flamboyant hats with colorful feathers (this was during the 1500s). Every time people think he was crazy, he felt a certain joy. Crazy right?

So what is wrong with too much self-regard? Sometimes it leads us to protect the “image” or “reputation” we want to show people, at all cost. We are preoccupied about our “coolness” in the eyes of others. Too much preoccupation with our “image” can lead to skip the good we are supposed to do. An example is being seen with the poor is not cool thing to many people. I have seen people inside the church or call themselves Christians and avoid the poor like a plague.

I think the problem of preoccupation with ourselves and our image is that we are in continues effort to protect our name. Before we do anything we think, “Will doing this make me look cool?” We become slaves of our reputation and the opinion of others.

But most of all, God is not preoccupied with himself. His eyes is always on the other person, us! Since we are made in his image and likeness, to be like Him is the only way we will find joy in this life. Jesus never cared for the opinion of the world, He did His Mission and the Father’s will. Jesus was more preoccupied with the suffering of His people than his reputation. When Jesus healed on the Sabbath, He knew that his reputation will be attacked, but he continued to do what was needed.

Now I understood why Philip Neri tried his best to humiliate himself, he did not want his reputation be a burden and a hindrance in loving people.

There is so much good we can do, but our self-regard, our reputation, our image and our coolness can sometimes hinders us.

Q. How do you know the difference between loving a girl and being infatuated with her?

A. My definition of love used to be this overwhelming warm, fuzzy feeling. When you see her, the world seems beautiful, the birds are singing, and everything reminds you of her. Your heart races whenever she walks into the room.

That is "being in love." This emotional reaction is a lot of fun but we shouldn't confuse these feelings with love itself. Some people think that they can tell how long a relationship will last based upon how powerful the feelings of attraction are. They spend massive amounts of time trying to decide whether or not they're "in love."

What they're overlooking is that love is a decision to do what is best for another person, even if the warm fuzzies are long gone. But it's not enough to want to do what is good for the other. We must form our minds according to the truth that God has revealed so that we know what is good for the other, and we are not just doing whatever feels good. Once we know what is good for the other, all that remains is to follow through and live out that love in our actions.

I think the biggest difference between love and infatuation is that love does not "happen" to couples--it is something they do. It is a task. If the initial excitement of a relationship tapers off and we conclude from this that love is gone, we can be sure that love was never there to begin with. After all, if love is simply about having romantic feelings, how could a bride and groom promise each other that their marriage will last "until death do us part"? More likely, it would last until boredom do us part. Therefore, you can not determine the worth of a relationship by measuring the intensity of emotions.

Suppose you're married and your pregnant wife has food cravings. It is four in the morning, and she wants you to go to the grocery store to get her fudge-brownie ice cream, pickle juice, and beef jerky. You roll over and look at your bride and she does not seem to be glowing like she did on your wedding day. At four in the morning, your world is not looking beautiful and the singing birds have gone mute. But after kissing her fevered forehead, you walk out the door and drive to the store. Has love gone away? Actually, it's more real than ever.

So, how do you know if you love a woman? Pope John Paul II has answered this question perfectly by saying that "the greater the feeling of responsibility for the [beloved] the more true love there is."(1) The greatest example of this love is Christ. He alone perfectly reveals how to love a woman. If we ever need to know how to properly love a woman, all we need to do is look at a crucifix.
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1. Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993), 131.

A Treasure No Once Can Steal

This morning I dropped by some milk and groceries to one of the poor family I know.

As I was walking towards their house, I was praying to God that I may learn something with my visit and that I may not be self-conscious. I wanted to brings Jesus presence there and not myself.

Few days ago, during my night meditation I realized that what I really considered my accomplishment was the things I have done for the poor and suffering. What I really valued was the resources, time and energy I gave in service to the needy. At that moment I understood more deeply what Jesus said, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal.” No one can take away from you what you have given away freely!

Jesus also said “For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be” Now I know where I should put my heart, my investment. I need to put it in a place where I can totally give it away.

I realized also that one of the sources of my fulfillment was making difference in people’s lives, even in a small way.

Now I can go forward with a sense of joy knowing the more I give away my resources, time and energy the more treasure I shall store not only in heaven but also in this life. And no one can take THAT away from me!

Q. I want to begin to live a pure life, but none of my friends would understand. What do I do, because I don’t want to lose them?

A. I remember meeting one girl who longed to date a nice guy, and she was wondering where she could find one. I began asking about her life, and she said that she was currently dating a guy, but he was a drug dealer, drank a lot, swore a lot, and her parents hated him. Her friends chimed in about how bad most guys are, and gave an example:

“The guys at the parties have been such jerks lately. A couple of weekends ago, they just went up to this one girl and poured a beer on her head. We were all really mad, and then they did it again the next weekend, and again last weekend.”

“So,” I asked them, “What are you doing this weekend?” Their reply? “We’re going to a party.”

Hmmm.

The girls were causing their own problems. We choose our friends. It’s that simple. You might think, “But I don’t want to go hang out with losers.” Not all people outside of your circle of friends are losers. Just as it would not be right for someone to label you because of your friends, it is not right for you to label others, without knowing them.

When it comes to pulling away from your bad friends, I think this tends to happen almost naturally when a person makes a real commitment to Christ. It does not mean that you turn your back on them, but what were once common interests (such as drinking, etc.) cease to be a common interest. I lost plenty of friends when I was a junior in high school and began to take my faith more seriously. The same happened to Crystalina. The following is a letter she wrote to her future husband while she was in high school:

“Beloved,
It’s Friday night and my so-called friends have just left, and I feel incredibly alone! They all came over in their little skirts and tight shirts, wanting me to go clubbing. It was a normal Friday night thing to do. They were drinking and tried so hard to convince me to go, and it was very tempting. I felt pulled in two separate directions, and part of me did want to go. But my other half knew what was waiting for me there. I couldn’t. As they left my house frustrated, I could hear them saying, ‘What? She thinks she’s too good for us now?’ I’m slowly starting to feel like a stranger to my friends. Is all this trouble, tears, and sadness worth it in the long run? Do I really know what I’m doing? I know there is something better than this and I’m trying to see that. But at times like this, it’s hard. I’m praying for you. Know I give all this to you.
Giving you all my love,
Crystalina.”

By breaking off those bad attachments, we both opened the door to find each other, in a better environment. It was a gradual thing, and we both were able to find friends who supported our lifestyle, as opposed to those who had worn it down. So start looking. Don’t fear what you will lose. Hope in what you have to gain.

from http://www.pureloveclub.com

How Did the Poor Freed Me

After a month of not able to do some works of charity, the sister picked me up this morning so I can help them give medicine to the poor.

A feeling of gratefulness to God came over me while we were on the way. I can finally able to serve the poor once more.

We arrived at a poor chapel filled with mothers and children in the slum area. Due to the rains and storms lately, many of them were sick. There were only the 3 of us giving the medicine to more than a hundred people. I was assigned to fill up the bottles the people brought. I filled them up with medicines for fever, cough, vitamins and asthma.

As I was filling the bottles and talking to the mothers, I was observing myself. I felt alive and free. I was amazed to what I was experiencing. After more than two hours we were finished.

On the way home I started to remember those people who said “The poor gave me more than I gave them.” After 3 years of serving them I finally understood it myself. The poor made me feel alive by giving purpose and meaning to my life.

But the most profound realization I had this morning is about freedom. The poor freed me from myself. When I was serving them I was not thinking of myself. I was giving all my attention to the person I am serving in front of me. For more than two hours, all my personal problems and issues were set aside. It felt like a burden was lifted up from my being. And that was when I had my “Aha” moment. I realized, the greatest freedom I can experience is freedom from myself. When I stop thinking of myself, my selfish whims and what I felt I lacked in life, and focus more on giving myself to others, that is the time I am truly free!

So I am more ever grateful to God and to His Poor for once again enriching and freeing me. The time, money and energy I gave to the poor cannot equate to what they have given me today.

I heard a priest once said, “True freedom is the freedom to Love everyone.”

Q. If I save sex for marriage, and then find out my wife didn’t, it’s going to hurt to know she did that stuff with other guys. So, shouldn’t I just protect myself from that hurt, and “sow my wild oats,” so that she and I will be on the same page?

A. If you chose to live with this mentality, what would you say to your future bride? “Honey, I slept around because I wanted to protect my heart at your expense?”

You know if you “sow your wild oats,” you’ll only be hurting yourself and your future bride. You won’t be protecting anybody. In fact, what if you then meet a virgin? Or what if you miss that girl because you’re too busy hooking up with girls you don’t respect? Or what if you become a teenage father or end up with an STD? You know in your heart that it’s not worth it. So pray to St. Joseph and St. Raphael the Archangel to guide you towards a pure courtship. Have faith in God, because he is the author of love.

In the meantime, don’t focus on protecting yourself from the worst case scenario. Focus on becoming the man that your bride deserves. Regardless of her past, it will be an honor to marry her. Consider these words of a young man who emailed me when he was struggling with the same issue: “Most importantly, I've prayed over it. I've come to the realization that the woman God sends for me to marry will truly be from God and that I should not be selfish, but gracious that God will have allowed me to participate in the sacrament of marriage with her.”

Is Your Joy Lacking or Incomplete?

What delights you? How do you make yourself happy? What is the source of your joy?

Does shopping delights you? Do you find happiness in being popular among your peers? Is accomplishing your goals bring you joy?

Most of us when we think of happiness we think of getting what we want. The media has done a good job ingraining in our minds that if you want to be happy, “then go get some”. We have become a society of “Go Getters!”

But are we really happy with what we've got? Or do we feel that our joy is lacking or incomplete?

When a rich young man approached Jesus asked what he still lacked. Jesus answered to sell all his possessions and come follow Him. When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

I once heard a priest/psychologist said, “If you feel depressed, go help somebody.”

After years of seeking joy, I have come to realize that joy can be found outside myself. St Francis said, “For it is in giving that we receive.” Real, deep and abiding joy comes from giving ourselves to others. It is in selflessness and not in selfishness can we find authentic joy. The “Go Givers” are happier than the “Go Getters”.

If you still have not found the joy that you are looking for, maybe it is time to go out of yourself.