Q. I've been dating this guy and I've know for a long time that we've been too physical. I try to slow things down, and I end up feeling really guilty, because he'll bring up my past and the stuff I've done with other guys before. Or, he'll make me feel like I don't like him anymore if I don't do the stuff. I'm not a virgin, but I don't know what I need to do to make him respect me.
A. I met a few 7th grade girls a week ago in DC after one of my talks, and they explained to me that they didn't know hot to say no to a boyfriend. They would do stuff they didn't feel comfortable with to their boyfriends, and even if a dork or a jerk asked them out, they would say “yes.” Then, when they were without a boy, they said they would “be sad and cry and eat ice cream and get overweight.” They asked me what they should do since they were now sad because they weren't dating anyone. In a loving tone, I said, "Get over it. The last thing this world needs is a couple of women who can't stand on their own two feet because they need to cling to a boy to be secure and happy. Don't be pathetic. Cheer up. I mean, do you really want to marry any of these seventh grade guys?” Their response?” “Ewww! Gross!” “Alright” I said, “See, you’ll be okay.” They quickly smiled and ran off without a concern. Now, it's not always that easy, but I think sometimes we need a kick in the butt more than a hug. As for you, I think you could use both.
You deserve so much better than this guy. And you will find someone so much better than this IF, and I repeat IF, you make the wise decision that you are capable of making. You're not his doormat. Sure, you feel close to this guy because of how intimate you've become with him. But it's done. He’ll use you as long as you're available, but you are not his toy. What if you leave him, and then he calls back in a week and says he's had a change of heart, and things will be different? Will you fall for the bait and jump back in? If you want love, you must reject its counterfeits.
You've got to realize that you're trying to save this relationship because you don't want to face the hurt if it fails. It failed when it began, and all that has happened since then is that you're trying to distract yourself from that fact. Accept that you made a big mistake that won't happen again. You're not going to get this guy to love you by being more physical with him.
Be strong. I promise you will not regret it. Will it be tough? Yes. But look at the lives of young women who refuse to be strong. Now is the time to learn the single most important word for finding love . . . NO.
I’d also encourage you to go to confession. You need grace for what you are up against. Ask the Lord to give you a contrite heart. Knowledge of our sins is a gift from the Holy Spirit that we often don't want to receive. Have the courage to ask for it with a Rosary. God has something so much better for you, if you would only let go. (Jeremiah 29:11-14 - read it).
I once read that in order to catch monkeys in Africa, they hollow out a big hard vegetable, and put tinfoil in it through a small hole. The monkey sees the shiny tinfoil, and reaches in to grab it. When he clenches his fist, it is too big to fit out of the hole. He'll pull and pull until he starves to death, or until hunters come and kill him. If he would only let go, he'd be free. But he wants that tinfoil so much that it costs him his life. You get the idea. Let it go, and be assured of my prayers as you do so. I believe in you.
Q&A came from pureloveclub.com
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