A. I'm glad you recognize that chastity is more than abstinence from intercourse, but there is a lot of wisdom in saving sexual arousal for marriage as well. The reason you hesitate to take this next step is that the connection between chastity and true love may still be hazy for you. Let's take a look at the link between the two.
We all desire love, but in the words of Pope John Paul II, "Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love."(1) He also said that purity is a requirement of love.(2) So, why is this? How does chastity safeguard authentic love?
I think we can agree that it is easy to mistake physical intimacy for love. This is understandable since physical intimacy has such a unifying power, which is an attribute of love. The problem is that lust also has a tendency to draw two people together. It is a counterfeit oneness that may be hard to distinguish from the real thing, especially if we've never known healthy intimacy before. The physical closeness seems to meet deep needs that aren't filled elsewhere.
We all have a need to be loved, but some people stay in unhealthy relationships because it seems to bury their hurt and loneliness. This is where chastity comes in because it alone has the power to differentiate between love and lust. For those who seek love, chastity is the answer.
Have you ever had a crush on someone and formed an idealized image of him, only to see a different person emerge when your emotions faded and reality set in? Was it the other person who changed or was it you? He probably didn't change at all. You just opened your eyes. Just as having a crush on a person clouds our objectivity, physical intimacy does the same. Personally, the more physical my relationships have been, the more difficult it was to judge their worth while I was in them. After a relationship ended, it was easier to evaluate how healthy the relationship was. But while I was in it--and to the extent that we were physically involved--the tougher it was to recognize that it was not worth keeping. Frequently, we don't want to look at a relationship objectively because we don't want to admit that it isn't love. We don't want to lose the other person.
Whenever love is present, there's a desire to please the other. This is especially common in young women who want to please guys in order to win their affection. However, love sometimes demands that we refuse to please the other, because what the other finds to be pleasing is not what is best for him. You would agree that when you refuse to have sex with a guy, it does not mean that you do not love him. It just means that you love him more than he may be able to understand. If we act out of a desire to please, then we're not really being loving to the other person because we're not doing what is best for him.
Sometimes, people who are intimate in ways short of sex stay together for a time. Usually, however, this becomes old and the couple pushes back the boundaries trying to find new levels of excitement and closeness. Before long, all that is left is sexual intercourse. The couple depends on physical pleasure to feel close to one another since they do not know how to express love in other ways. In the long run, the couple's impatience for sexual oneness tends to end up causing their separation. They have deprived themselves of the opportunity to grow in love, and thus to experience true joy.
Don't feel you will miss out if you live chastity to the fullest. Sure, you will experience an initial loss of the physical union that you desire, but you move beyond this when you see the value of the other person and the benefits of a chaste lifestyle. In the end, the only thing you miss out on is the regret. While chastity is not the easiest choice, it is the best one.
To see how this works on a practical level, consider your options. A guy who doesn't intend to save sexual arousal for marriage will often approach a date as a formality to get through--before the real "fun" can start. When a couple is striving for purity, then the dates can actually be enjoyed as time spent getting to know each other. You're free to fall in love for all the right reasons. If you don't embrace chastity but still wish to remain a virgin, where does this leave you? You'll become all revved up, only to repeatedly slam on the brakes. Not only is this unloving because it arouses desires that you can not satisfy morally, it also leads to sexual frustration.
Often, a couple will share the gift of sexual arousal to feel closer, but they end up feeling alienated from each other and regretful. They would be much closer if they entrusted the relationship to God, and made sacrifices together to glorify him. Love always involves struggle, so if they are both willing to be generous with God, this will create a union between their hearts that no illicit pleasure can match. Purity will become their superglue.
One man told me that the power of temptation rests on the deceptive promise that sin will bring more satisfaction than living for God. It is only God's way that can satisfy us. In the words of Psalm 16:11, "Thou dost show me the path of life; in thy presence there is fullness of joy, in thy right hand are pleasures for evermore." We all desire happiness, but sin and happiness cannot live together. Sin is a counterfeit of happiness that brings with it the ugly companions of shame and regret. Sacrificial love brings true joy, and a life of virtue brings happiness. Try it and see. Where there is no chastity, there is selfishness. Where there is selfishness, there is no love. Where there is no love, there is no joy or peace. No wonder Pope John Paul II said, "Chastity is the sure way to happiness."(3)
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1.Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, 171.
2.Pope John Paul II, general audience, 3 December 1980. As quoted by Theology of the Body (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1997), 177.
3.Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, 172.
Q&A came from pureloveclub.com
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