Dating is About Dumping

Like it or not, the potential for rejection is part of the package.

by Mary Beth Bonachi

I’m on a new “kick” in my talks to singles.

It started because of a trend I was seeing. In talk after talk very nice, well-intentioned single people were coming up to me with the same problem. “I know my relationship isn’t working out. But I’m having a hard time breaking it off. I know that if I end it, she (or he) will be really hurt. And hurting someone like that just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.”

What’s a nice Catholic to do?

It seems like quite the dilemma. We’re always supposed to want what’s best for the other person. We care about their feelings. And yet, here we are in a situation where we’re literally supposed to hurt their feelings and make them miserable.

Yup. Like I keep telling you, dating isn’t all fun and games.

Here’s where the problem comes in. Dating is supposed to be about figuring out if you want to get married, and if so, to whom. That’s all. The whole idea is to spend time with someone, figuring out if this person has the kind of traits you’re looking for in a spouse. If they do, you keep spending time together. If they don’t, you move on. That’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s like interviewing for a job, really -- the job of spouse.

But a lot of people lose sight of that goal. They begin to believe that dating is a way for them to achieve status, or alleviate loneliness, or fill a need for love in their lives. They think “If only I had a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Then I’d always have someone around who would love me and care for me and be there for me to wipe away my tears when I’m sad.”

Bad plan. Love is a need. It’s extremely important that we have people in our lives who care about us, who want what’s best for us, and who are committed to being there for us no matter what. Everyone needs someone like that. But who do you want that person to be? Do you want it to be someone who has an obligation to drop you if you don’t turn out to be the best candidate for the job of lifetime partner? I’d say that’s a case of putting all of your eggs in a very unstable basket. You’re setting yourself up for a pretty serious fall.

Yeah, it’s important to care about the people that you date. It’s important to want what is best for them. It’s important to always look out for their feelings, and not to cause them unnecessary pain. But implant this firmly on your brain: DATING IS ABOUT REJECTION. It’s a part of the package. It goes with the territory. No matter how nice or wonderful someone may be -- if that person isn’t right for you, then your obligation is to let that person go. That’s what’s best for him or her. Anything else would be a lie -- making this person believe that you could have a future together when in fact you know you don’t.

The best indication of whether you care about someone you’re dating isn’t whether or not you break up -- it’s how you break up. If you do it as soon as you’re certain, if you do it kindly and clearly (instead of just disappearing from sight), you really are looking out for what is best for the other person. You’re freeing him or her to find Mr. or Ms. Right instead of being bound to you when it’s not going to work.

Yeah, rejection hurts. Dating hurts sometimes -- that’s the way it is.

It’s not a game for the weak or the queasy. It’s grown-up stuff. And if someone isn’t strong enough or mature enough to handle rejection, that person isn’t strong enough or mature enough to date. Period.

Yes, you need real love in your life. But if you’re single, don’t fool yourself into believing that you can rely on a boyfriend or a girlfriend to give you that kind of unconditional love. Find that love by cultivating loving relationships with your family and with your good friends. They’re the ones who are going to be around for the long run.