Q. Isn't being chaste the same thing as being a prude?

A. The world looks at chastity and sees repression: a dull and frigid lifestyle that is probably the result of fear or not being able to find a date. "Those poor people living chaste lives. They don't have a clue what they're missing. If only someone could liberate them from their prudery." Sound familiar?

This may come as a surprise to those who think that chastity and prudery are synonymous, but chastity has nothing to do with having a negative idea of sex. In fact, only the pure of heart are capable of seeing the depth and mystery of sex. For the person who is pure, sex is an unspeakably wonderful gift and the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, the foundation of chastity is the dignity of every person and the greatness of sex.

Sure, chastity says no to sex before marriage. This is not because sex or the body is bad, but, on the contrary, because sex is a holy mystery and a person's body is a holy temple. Holy things are not open to all; they are only for those who meet the requirement, who pass the test.

Think of the Holy of Holies in the Jewish temple, into which no Israelite dared enter except the high priest once a year. The doors were closed to other good and pious Jews not because the Holy of Holies was unclean or disgusting or because the Jews were embarrassed about it. On the contrary, it was restricted because it was so holy, so special, that it was appropriate only for the one priest pledged to the temple's service to enter.

Our bodies likewise are holy and special, and access to this temple is only for the one pledged forever to it in the sacrament of matrimony. If we understood chastity for what it is, we would see that nothing testifies to the goodness of the body and sex as much as chastity does. Chastity affirms that we do not toy with sex precisely because of the greatness of sex. Those who treat sex as if it were a fair exchange for a nice dinner or six months of commitment are the ones who have yet to discover the greatness of sex. As writer Elisabeth Elliot said, "There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."(1) We constantly look for what we can get out of someone, how we can please ourselves and go with the flow.

Chastity has a bad rap because it involves dying to ourselves. But this death is not in vain. In the words of Christ, "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit" (John 12:24). The world sees chastity as death because it does not have the patience to see the life and love that spring forth from the sacrifice. It is not repression or guilt that motivates the chaste man or woman, it is the desire for real love.

The virtue of purity is wildly attractive. Freed from selfish sexual aggressiveness, the pure are empowered to love as we were created to love. So, the problem with lust is not that lustful desires are too strong; they are too weak and lukewarm and self-absorbed. Prudery is fittingly represented as frigid but purity is white hot. Purity burns with a passionate love that puts lust in the freezer.
________________________________________________________________
1. Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Revell, 1984), 21.

from pureloveclub.com

Q. Why is premarital sex bad? My friend just started high school, and she's trying to tell me that it's good and she's going to do it.

A. It might help to know that your friend is not on a quest for sex. Perhaps your friend has some hurt or loneliness in her life, and she figures that if she has sex, this will feel like love and security, and she will be happy. But if you look into her heart, you will see that she is not longing for a series of physical relationships with random guys. She is looking for enduring love and for intimacy, to be accepted by a man and cared for by him.

Your friend deserves these things, but she needs to be careful and courageous so that she does not fall for a counterfeit. There are plenty of boys out there who will tell her how beautiful her eyes are and how much they love her and will “always” be there. They will give her “love” for the sake of getting sex, and she may want to give them sex for the sake of feeling loved. Her heart is made for something better than this, and so she needs to realize that she is worth the wait. She cannot find happiness otherwise. As the Bible says, “She who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives” (1 Tim. 5:6).

The following are some of the bad effects of premarital sex; do not dwell on them any longer than is necessary to give her a reality check. What she needs more than the bad news about premarital sex is the good news about what she is worth and what plans God has in store for her. She needs to be encouraged to wait not because sex is bad but because real love is so good. The negative consequences of premarital sex can be seen from the relational, physical, emotional, and spiritual points of view.

Relationships: One high school girl wrote, “I am sixteen and have already lost my virginity. I truly regret that my first time was with a guy that I didn’t care that much about. Since that first night he expects sex on every date. When I don’t feel like it, we end up in an argument. I don’t think this guy is in love with me, and I know deep down that I am not in love with him either. This makes me feel cheap. I realize now that this is a very big step in a girl’s life. After you have done it, things are never the same. It changes everything.”[1] Another young person said, “I slept with many, many people trying to find love, to find self-worth. And the more people I slept with, the less self-worth I had.”[2]

Some people may argue, “Well, what if I really care about him or her? I think sex will bring us closer together.” Indeed, sex creates a bond. However, 80 percent of the time, the physical intimacy of a teen’s first sexual relationship won’t last more than six months.[3] Couples who want what is best for their relationship or future marriage will have the patience to wait.

Beyond one’s relationship, premarital sex frequently causes tension within families because of the dishonesty that usually accompanies the hidden intimacies. Relationships with friends are often strained, and when things turn sour, the gossip and social problems often become unbearable. Everyone talks about how hard it is to say no to sex, but no one tells you how hard it is when you say yes.

Physical: It is dangerous for a young single woman to be sexually active. Because a teenage girl’s reproductive system is still immature, she is very susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).[4] In fact, early sexual activity is the number one risk factor for cervical cancer, and the second is multiple sexual partners.[5] A girl’s body, like her heart, is not designed to handle multiple sexual partners.

While your friend might plan on sleeping with only one guy, she could be exposing herself to the STDs of hundreds of people through a single act of intercourse. Here’s how: Scientists studied the sexual activity of a public high school of about one thousand students.[6] About half (573) of the students had been sexually active, and most of them had only been with one partner. However, when the scientists tracked the web of sexual activity among the students, it was discovered that more than half of the sexually active teens—without knowing it—were linked together in a network of 288 partners within the school! So if your friend slept with a guy from this school, theoretically she could be in bed with one-fourth of the entire student body.

Emotional: One of the most common consequences of teenage sexual activity is depression. Girls who are sexually active are more than three times as likely to be depressed as girls who are abstinent.[7] In fact, the condition has become so predictable that the American Journal of Preventive Medicine recommends to doctors: “[Girls who are engaging in] sexual intercourse should be screened for depression, and provided with anticipatory guidance about the mental health risks of these behaviors.”[8] Even if a girl experiments with sex once, research shows an increased risk of depression.[9] Also, consider the fact that the rate of suicide attempts for sexually active girls (aged twelve to sixteen) is six times higher than the rate for virgins.[10] Tragically, these girls do not realize the purity, hope, and forgiveness that they can find in Christ.

Unfortunately, many young women search for meaning only in relationships with guys, instead of with God. It is not uncommon for a girl to have sex in order to make a guy like her more or to encourage him to stay with her. She may compromise her standards because she is afraid of never being loved. Once he leaves her, though, an emotional divorce takes place. A person’s heart is not made to be that close to a person and then separated. Since teenage sexual relationships rarely last, the girl’s sense of self-worth is often damaged. Also, she may conclude that if she looked better, he would have stayed longer. This mentality can lead to harmful practices, such as eating disorders.

In her heart a girl who has been used knows it. However, she may immediately jump into another sexual relationship to escape the hurt. If she tries to boost her self-esteem by giving guys what they want, then her self-worth often ends up depending upon those kinds of relationships. Her development as a woman is stunted because without chastity she does not know how to express affection, appreciation, or attraction for a guy without implying something sexual. She may even conclude that a guy does not love her unless he makes sexual advances toward her. She knows that sex exists without intimacy, but she may forget that intimacy can exist without sex. A girl on this track usually feels accepted initially, but that acceptance lasts only as long as the physical pleasure.

Such a life-style will also take its toll on her ability to bond. Here’s why: Sharing the gift of sex is like putting a piece of tape on another person’s arm. The first bond is strong, and it hurts to remove it. Shift the tape to another person’s arm, and the bond will still work, but it will be easier to remove. Each time this is done, part of each person remains with the tape. Soon it is easy to remove because the residue from the various arms interferes with the tape’s ability to stick.

The same is true in relationships, where previous sexual experiences interfere with the ability to bond. This does not mean that if a person is not a virgin on the wedding night, he or she will be unable to bond with a spouse. It simply means that when we follow God’s plan, we have the most abundant life possible. But when we turn from his designs and break his commandments, we are often the ones who feel broken afterward.

Spiritually: sin cuts us off from God, and this is the most serious consequence of premarital sex. After going too far, many of us know all too well that cloud of guilt that weighs on our hearts. The solution is not to kill our conscience but to follow it to freedom. It is calling us, not condemning us. Provided we repent, God will be there to welcome us home and let us start over (see John 8 and Luke 15).

What this all means is that our bodies, our hearts, our relationships, and our souls are not made for premarital sex. We are made for enduring love.
_______________________
[1]. Thomas Lickona, “Sex, Love, and Character: It’s Our Decision” (address given to assembly of students at Seton Catholic High School, Binghamton, New York, 8 January 1999), 10.
[2] About Cohabiting Before Marriage, “Myths About Cohabitation” (www.members.aol.com/cohabiting/myths.htm).
[3]. Suzanne Ryan, et al., “The First Time: Characteristics of Teens’ First Sexual Relationships,” Research Brief (Washington, D.C.: Child Trends, August 2003), 5.
[4]. A.B. Moscicki, et al., “Differences in Biologic Maturation, Sexual Behavior, and Sexually Transmitted Disease Between Adolescents with and without Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia,” Journal of Pediatrics 115:3 (September 1989): 487–493; M.L. Shew, et al., “Interval Between Menarche and First Sexual Intercourse, Related to Risk of Human Papillomavirus Infection,” Journal of Pediatrics 125:4 (October 1994): 661–666.
[5]. R. A. Hatcher and others, Contraceptive Technology, (1994), 515.
[6]. Peter Bearman, et al., “Chains of Affection,” American Journal of Sociology 110:1 (July 2004): 44–91.
[7]. Robert E. Rector, et al., “Sexually Active Teenagers are More Likely to be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide,” The Heritage Foundation (3 June, 2003).
[8]. Hallfors, et al., “Which Comes First in Adolescence—Sex and Drugs or Depression?” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 29:3 (October 2005): 169.
[9]. Hallfors, et al., 168; Hallfors, et al., “Adolescent Depression and Suicide Risk: Association with Sex and Drug Behavior,” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 27:3 (October 2004): 224–231; Martha W. Waller, et al., “Gender Differences in Associations Between Depressive Symptoms and Patterns of Substance Use and Risky Sexual Behavior among a Nationally Representative Sample of U.S. Adolescents,” Archives of Women’s Mental Health 9:3 (May 2006): 139-150.
[10]. As reported by D. P. Orr, M. Beiter, G. Ingersoll, “Premature Sexual Activity as an Indicator of Psychological Risk,” Pediatrics 87 (February 1991): 141–147.

from pureloveclub.com

Is Your Life Out of Focus?

Are you one of the many who are dazed and confused?

A lot of people I know now suffer from deep confusion. They are sometimes so confused that they have no clue what they are confused about. In most cases the source of confusion is the lack of direction in life. Life seems to be a big blur.

One thing I have observed with people who suffer deep confusion is a lack of focus in living their life. Their life is not centered. They are filled with mixed up and even contradicting ideas which they try to build their life on.

I think we can learn a little bit of life in photography. In taking pictures, if you don’t calibrate and focus the center properly the whole picture will be blurred. No amount of shots will make the picture clear until the center is focused.

I think most of our confusion comes from not seeing a clear picture of who we are and what our life suppose to be. Most of us take random shots in life hoping to “to get the picture.”

How can we find our focus or center?

To find our deep center is to find a deep Person. Jesus. He is supposed to be the center of our life. If our center is other than Jesus, we are un-centered, unfocused, blurred. We must keep our eyes focused on Jesus, for He is the only one who can bring back the focus in our lives.

Pope John Paul II said that Jesus reveals humanity to himself. Jesus is the Logos. He is the image of the living God. He is the image that we are supposed to look like.

God made man in His image and likeness.

To focus our life on Jesus is to focus our life, period! If we want to see ourselves and our life more clearly we must start making Jesus the center of our very life. Our lives should revolve in doing His will and not our personal plans. We must recalibrate our lives if we want to have a clear vision of it. Everyday we must commit ourselves in asking God to reveal his will and ask for the grace to do it. We need to discern everyday what God’s will is for us.

Only Jesus can show us the “Big Picture” in life we are all looking for.

I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

There are lots of things in our life that we wish did not happen. There are things that are happening right now, that we wish are just nightmares that we will wake up from. Most of us GET STUCK in life and asking the big question WHY?

Why did it happen to me?

Why me?

There was a time in my life that I set God aside. I felt he was not doing his job of taking care of me. Those were troubled times and I was young as well as stupid. My angry cry at God was “Why did you let it happened? Don’t You care?” I had a grudge with God for years.

When I came back God and to His Church the one of the first thing I did was to research about suffering and why He permits it. I read articles, books and encyclicals about it. I have tried to understand it for years now and I still try to. One thing I found out was suffering was a mystery. We might have our opinions why God permitted it, but it is just that – a speculation.

One thing I do believe, that God permits suffering in our life for our own good.

So what is the proper attitude when suffering hits us? Let us learn from Gandalf of the Lord of the Rings.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

When suffering hits, it is better to ask the question “How?” than “Why?” Instead of being consumed by anger, grief and trying to understand why it happened, we must try our best to ask ourselves how to rise from it.

I love what Gandalf said “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” Suffering is part of life! But the decision to be stuck in wishing things did not happened is our choice. No matter how ugly things go, we do have the decision to move forward.

God is the God of love. Anything He permits, yes even suffering comes from His love. Why he permits it is most of the time a mystery. I remembered the first time I was taken to the dentist. I was traumatized by the pain. I felt my aunt who brought me there betrayed me. She permitted the dentist to torment me. I was too young to understand why the pain was necessary to fix my teeth. Before the almighty father we are all little children who are clueless in his ways.

I end with the words of St Paul, who suffered much for God. He was beaten up, whip lashed, imprisoned and even shipwrecked.

But this one thing I do: Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead - Philippians 3:13

How will I know when I’ve met the person I should marry?

an excerpt from Real Love by Mary Beth Bonacci book.

“How will I know when I’ve met the person I should marry?”

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on “I get a warm,
wonderful feeling whenever we’re tighter, and I want to have that warm,
wonderful feeling forever, so let’s get married.” Feelings, as we have discussed,
have no logic of their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they
need considerable assistance from your brain.

Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life
with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one
person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and
go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your
children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on
feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decision
has to be based on solid considerations.

Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own
selfish desires aside to look our for what is best for the family? Is he prepared
to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to
get a good job and keep it?

Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your
children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children
spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many of most
of their parents’ character traits. You had better like your spouse’s traits a lot,
because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this
person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a
pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a
ripe old age with great-grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a
parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you
feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person’s
influence on your children, you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children
so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our
job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in
God and in His Church. It’s tough to do that when only one parent believes.
Saying “This is right and this is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until
you are thirty-five” does not work. Small children ask about eighty skillion
questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward
forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those
questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people
sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival
and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other
people. Wrong. There are times in every marriage when one partner or the
other is sexually unavailable—illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel.

There are also times when spouses just get on each others’ nerves. At times
like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous,
because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to
make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want to marry
someone who has never said “no” to sex? If he is not good at saying “no” at
eighteen, it won’t be any different at forty. DO you want to worry about
whether or not your spouse is being faithful? What kind of marriage can you
have with someone you couldn’t trust on a business trip?

These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with
all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.
None of this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage
decision. You don’t have to say, “Well, I suppose you would make a good
spouse and parent, so even though I don’t particularly like you I guess I’ll marry
you.” You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your
life with someone. Your brain, however, must also acknowledge this person as
a good catch.

Don’t listen to your heart alone or your head alone. Wait until your heart
and your head agree.

Q. What’s the big deal just making out with a girl?

A. My theory on why so many people enjoy the Jerry Springer-type talk shows is because when you see how messed up the guests on the show are, it make you feel like you’ve really got your life together.

Unfortunately, the same distortion of reality happens when it comes to our relationships. Because we’re exposed to constant sexual references on TV, video games, magazines, music, and hallway conversations at school, we begin to think that our relationships must be pretty wholesome. But if we step back from all the lies and distortions that we see every day, and look into our own hearts, we’ll begin to see a very different view of our sexuality.

So, when it comes to making out with a girl, ask yourself one question: Isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal?

Beneath all the locker room bragging about sexual conquests on prom night, I know that in every guy there is a deeper longing to want to cherish a girl. When a guy thinks about his bride, he doesn’t think of “getting some” from her. He thinks about giving his life for her. Why, then, as we wait for the big day, do we devalue the girls (and ourselves)?

I remember making out with girls in high school, and convincing myself that it wasn’t a big deal. But now I wish more than anything that I reserved such kisses for my bride, instead of dispensing them to girls who I never saw again after graduation. But at the time you don’t think about the future. You just look at the classmates around you, and you figure that this is just the way life is supposed to be.

What happens to the unsuspecting teen is that the initial intimacy and excitement of a kiss is worn thin when he or she begins to give it away like it’s a handshake. The profound meaning and depth of simple acts of affection are lost when we settle for hook-ups. The world would like to tell us that we’re acquiring better dating skills, but we’re really just we numbing ourselves.

So, before you go there again, ask yourself: How many memories of passionate kisses do I want my future bride to have with other guys? So, why not save your memory for her, too? Not only is your purity a gift for her, it will make her affection seem more unique to you as well. In the long run, this will bond the two of you much closer than all the “experience” the world recommends you have before marriage.

from pureloveclub.com

Q. What’s the big deal just making out with a girl?

A. My theory on why so many people enjoy the Jerry Springer-type talk shows is because when you see how messed up the guests on the show are, it make you feel like you’ve really got your life together.

Unfortunately, the same distortion of reality happens when it comes to our relationships. Because we’re exposed to constant sexual references on TV, video games, magazines, music, and hallway conversations at school, we begin to think that our relationships must be pretty wholesome. But if we step back from all the lies and distortions that we see every day, and look into our own hearts, we’ll begin to see a very different view of our sexuality.

So, when it comes to making out with a girl, ask yourself one question: Isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal?

Beneath all the locker room bragging about sexual conquests on prom night, I know that in every guy there is a deeper longing to want to cherish a girl. When a guy thinks about his bride, he doesn’t think of “getting some” from her. He thinks about giving his life for her. Why, then, as we wait for the big day, do we devalue the girls (and ourselves)?

I remember making out with girls in high school, and convincing myself that it wasn’t a big deal. But now I wish more than anything that I reserved such kisses for my bride, instead of dispensing them to girls who I never saw again after graduation. But at the time you don’t think about the future. You just look at the classmates around you, and you figure that this is just the way life is supposed to be.

What happens to the unsuspecting teen is that the initial intimacy and excitement of a kiss is worn thin when he or she begins to give it away like it’s a handshake. The profound meaning and depth of simple acts of affection are lost when we settle for hook-ups. The world would like to tell us that we’re acquiring better dating skills, but we’re really just we numbing ourselves.

So, before you go there again, ask yourself: How many memories of passionate kisses do I want my future bride to have with other guys? So, why not save your memory for her, too? Not only is your purity a gift for her, it will make her affection seem more unique to you as well. In the long run, this will bond the two of you much closer than all the “experience” the world recommends you have before marriage.

from pureloveclub.com

Q. What’s the big deal just making out with a girl?

A. My theory on why so many people enjoy the Jerry Springer-type talk shows is because when you see how messed up the guests on the show are, it make you feel like you’ve really got your life together.

Unfortunately, the same distortion of reality happens when it comes to our relationships. Because we’re exposed to constant sexual references on TV, video games, magazines, music, and hallway conversations at school, we begin to think that our relationships must be pretty wholesome. But if we step back from all the lies and distortions that we see every day, and look into our own hearts, we’ll begin to see a very different view of our sexuality.

So, when it comes to making out with a girl, ask yourself one question: Isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal?

Beneath all the locker room bragging about sexual conquests on prom night, I know that in every guy there is a deeper longing to want to cherish a girl. When a guy thinks about his bride, he doesn’t think of “getting some” from her. He thinks about giving his life for her. Why, then, as we wait for the big day, do we devalue the girls (and ourselves)?

I remember making out with girls in high school, and convincing myself that it wasn’t a big deal. But now I wish more than anything that I reserved such kisses for my bride, instead of dispensing them to girls who I never saw again after graduation. But at the time you don’t think about the future. You just look at the classmates around you, and you figure that this is just the way life is supposed to be.

What happens to the unsuspecting teen is that the initial intimacy and excitement of a kiss is worn thin when he or she begins to give it away like it’s a handshake. The profound meaning and depth of simple acts of affection are lost when we settle for hook-ups. The world would like to tell us that we’re acquiring better dating skills, but we’re really just we numbing ourselves.

So, before you go there again, ask yourself: How many memories of passionate kisses do I want my future bride to have with other guys? So, why not save your memory for her, too? Not only is your purity a gift for her, it will make her affection seem more unique to you as well. In the long run, this will bond the two of you much closer than all the “experience” the world recommends you have before marriage.

from pureloveclub.com

Are You Thirsting for Love?

Looking for love in all the wrong places?

Most of us are tired with our search for love. Our search have become a vicious cycle of disappointment and falling out of one relationship to the next. Still we seek and believe that we will find a love that will completely satisfy us. Something inside us tells us that the unconditional love we are looking for exist, even if the evidence says otherwise.

“Jesus came to the Samaritan Town of Sychar … Jacob’s well was there and Jesus, tired from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour. A Samaritan woman came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me to drink… How can you ask me for a drink? for Jews have nothing to do with Samaritans.”” - Jn 4: 1-30

This Gospel tells of a Samaritan woman who goes everyday to get water from the well. On this particular day, she finds Jesus arriving at the well before her.

Many of us feel like the Samaritan. We cannot seem to find a love that satisfies. Everyday the woman goes to the well to quench her thirst, but then gets thirsty again. Like us, we jump from one relationship to the next in search of love. Yet it leaves us still thirsty for love at the end of the day. Many of us are weary from hopping from one person to the next. There are others who have totally given up hope of finding this kind of satisfying love.

In our search for love in all the wrong places, Jesus has been waiting for us. Jesus, who is love made flesh, knows that He alone can give the satisfying love we are looking for.

Unfortunately many of us doubt that Jesus can satisfy us or doubt because of our unworthiness. Like the Samaritan woman we voice our doubts to Jesus, “How can you ask me for a drink? …for Jews have nothing to do with Samaritans.” Samaritans were considered unclean during those times. We share the same unbelief the Samaritan woman was experiencing. Is Jesus taking to me, a sinner? Does Jesus wants an intimate relationship with an unclean person?

Jesus replied to her, ‘If you but knew the gift of God, and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.’

Jesus wants us to experience His unconditional love but we must first meet Him. We must first encounter him in prayer. And when we encounter Jesus, He will say to us, “Give me your heart.” He wants the heart which we have given to so many empty things, except to Him. Jesus can never fill our hearts with His love if we do not give it to Him.

“He would have given you living water.”

On of the most famous line in the Christian world is what St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord”

Q. When I start doing stuff with a guy, and things are going too far, I'm always too afraid to say no. What should I do?

A. When it comes to saying no, one thing always to keep in mind is that a girl who never learns to say no is a girl who will have the hardest time finding love. This is because of how much time she will waste with the opposite of love, which is lust. Hold out for love, and imagine your future spouse out there going through the same struggles. He has the strength to wait for you, and you have the strength to wait for him. All we must do is pray, have courage, and act.

One girl I know came home crying after a date, and her mom asked her what was wrong. She said that as soon as she got into the guy's car, he started to make these sexual jokes, and she let him know that she practiced chastity. He said, "That's cool--there's lots of other stuff we can do." (meaning everything short of intercourse.) She gave him a quick explanation of chastity, and how it meant that she respected her body, and that she would not be doing anything with him that she would not want her future spouse to be doing with some other girl. He looked at her and said, "So, you mean I'm not going to get anything?!" She said yes, and he turned the car around and dumped her off at home.

Was it embarrassing? Perhaps. But regret lasts much longer than embarrassment. Instead of giving him what he wanted as a way to keep him interested (while secretly wondering of he really loved her) she set her standards, and tested his love--or the lack thereof. It turned out he was not man enough for her. Game over. This leaves the door open for real love because you're not clogging up your love life with losers. Being desperate only harms a girl's chances of finding love because it makes her more naïve.

I remember one girl e-mailed me and said, "My stupidity coupled with my effort to be nice to everybody makes it hard to stand up for what I believe in." If you can relate, then it's time to get a backbone. If you do not, then you will give more and more of yourself away, and yet you will feel that you have less and less to offer. Before long, many girls end up thinking that sex is the only thing they have to offer guys to gain their interest.

But realize that rare things are worth more. Girls (and guys) without standards are easy to find. And they're also easy to get bored with. On the other hand, the more pure you are, the more desirable you become. Sure, at times the standard of purity can bring about times of loneliness. But don't feel too depressed about that. Even your most popular classmates feel loneliness, and perhaps more than you would ever imagine.

Whenever I would get lonely, I would try to ask myself, "What am I doing for people who are worse off than I am?" So, I'd go and hang out with some homeless people and have dinner with them (with adult supervision, of course). It's an excellent way to put things back into perspective, so you can realize how grateful we ought to be. Instead of acting like a victim, you stop moping around, and you build others up.

More important than all this advice, though, is to avoid getting in that situation in the future. You should not be dating a guy that you need to say no to. The guy should guard your purity, not wear it down. Often, a girl will find herself asking her boyfriend time and time again to stop. Her real problem is not learning to say no to him, but looking in her heart to see why she is so desperate for the love of a guy who does not respect her.

from pureloveclub.com

Dating is About Dumping

Like it or not, the potential for rejection is part of the package.

by Mary Beth Bonachi

I’m on a new “kick” in my talks to singles.

It started because of a trend I was seeing. In talk after talk very nice, well-intentioned single people were coming up to me with the same problem. “I know my relationship isn’t working out. But I’m having a hard time breaking it off. I know that if I end it, she (or he) will be really hurt. And hurting someone like that just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.”

What’s a nice Catholic to do?

It seems like quite the dilemma. We’re always supposed to want what’s best for the other person. We care about their feelings. And yet, here we are in a situation where we’re literally supposed to hurt their feelings and make them miserable.

Yup. Like I keep telling you, dating isn’t all fun and games.

Here’s where the problem comes in. Dating is supposed to be about figuring out if you want to get married, and if so, to whom. That’s all. The whole idea is to spend time with someone, figuring out if this person has the kind of traits you’re looking for in a spouse. If they do, you keep spending time together. If they don’t, you move on. That’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s like interviewing for a job, really -- the job of spouse.

But a lot of people lose sight of that goal. They begin to believe that dating is a way for them to achieve status, or alleviate loneliness, or fill a need for love in their lives. They think “If only I had a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Then I’d always have someone around who would love me and care for me and be there for me to wipe away my tears when I’m sad.”

Bad plan. Love is a need. It’s extremely important that we have people in our lives who care about us, who want what’s best for us, and who are committed to being there for us no matter what. Everyone needs someone like that. But who do you want that person to be? Do you want it to be someone who has an obligation to drop you if you don’t turn out to be the best candidate for the job of lifetime partner? I’d say that’s a case of putting all of your eggs in a very unstable basket. You’re setting yourself up for a pretty serious fall.

Yeah, it’s important to care about the people that you date. It’s important to want what is best for them. It’s important to always look out for their feelings, and not to cause them unnecessary pain. But implant this firmly on your brain: DATING IS ABOUT REJECTION. It’s a part of the package. It goes with the territory. No matter how nice or wonderful someone may be -- if that person isn’t right for you, then your obligation is to let that person go. That’s what’s best for him or her. Anything else would be a lie -- making this person believe that you could have a future together when in fact you know you don’t.

The best indication of whether you care about someone you’re dating isn’t whether or not you break up -- it’s how you break up. If you do it as soon as you’re certain, if you do it kindly and clearly (instead of just disappearing from sight), you really are looking out for what is best for the other person. You’re freeing him or her to find Mr. or Ms. Right instead of being bound to you when it’s not going to work.

Yeah, rejection hurts. Dating hurts sometimes -- that’s the way it is.

It’s not a game for the weak or the queasy. It’s grown-up stuff. And if someone isn’t strong enough or mature enough to handle rejection, that person isn’t strong enough or mature enough to date. Period.

Yes, you need real love in your life. But if you’re single, don’t fool yourself into believing that you can rely on a boyfriend or a girlfriend to give you that kind of unconditional love. Find that love by cultivating loving relationships with your family and with your good friends. They’re the ones who are going to be around for the long run.

Q. Exactly how far is too far to go with a girl? Be specific.

A. I will give some specifics, but before I do, we should lay down a foundation. If we are asking how close to sin we can get girls, we are asking the wrong question. We need a change of heart. We need to start asking, "How close to God can I get her? How far can I go to lead this girl to holiness and guard her innocence?" Until we have this transformation of our heart and will, it will be difficult to determine where to set the physical boundaries in a relationship. Also, whenever we operate with the "how far is too far" mentality, where do we usually end up? More often than not, we end up going right up to that boundary, and inching it forward each time we visit it.

We need to remind ourselves that purity is not simply a matter of staying on one side of a line that we have drawn. It is a battle for our hearts and minds as well as our bodies. Just because a guy has not crossed a line, it does not mean that he is pure. It may mean that he has never had the opportunity to cross it.

Anyway, here are a few guidelines for how you can know how far is too far. Whenever you are considering doing something with a girl, ask yourself if you would do that if Jesus were in the room. In our hearts, we all know what is pleasing to God. Also, consider how you would want a guy to treat your future daughter or future bride and treat women accordingly. Let this sink in. Often, we get so involved in intense relationships that it is hard to sit back and really look into our hearts.

Some people assume, "As long as I'm being a virgin, I'm being good." They compare themselves with others who are sleeping around on a regular basis, and as long as they see the world from that perspective, they feel like they're right on track. Meanwhile, they give away bits of themselves in passing relationships, all under the pretense that their friends are worse.

Do yourself a favor: Do not get technical about drawing a line at virginity, and saying that all else goes. If you can't decide if a particular action is "too far," imagine what the look on your future bride's or groom's face would be if you ever told her or him that you shared that act with another person. Make decisions now that would bless the heart of your future spouse, not wound it. (And do not be quick to discuss the specifics of your prior experience with potential spouses; a lot of that information could do far more harm than good.)

So where does the line go? For starters, know that the line begins in your mind. As soon as you begin to lust after a girl, stop. In regards to physical lines, an easy guideline to remember is, "Don't touch what you don't got." Also, I recommend no passionate kissing, kissing below the chin, or lying down together. That may seem extreme to some, but the more you become sensual and physical in a relationship, the more the relationship begins to revolve around that.

I will admit that this sounds a lot like "no," "no," "no," and "no," but think of it like this: There is a highway in California that runs up the coast. It is a gorgeous ride that takes you along the side of a sheer cliff that drops hundreds of feet to the ocean. Imagine that you were cruising along in your priceless sports car, and the passenger with you remarked, "Man, there's another one of those stupid guardrails. And look, another sign saying there's a sharp turn ahead. I hate how the California highway system inhibits your freedom, and tells you what to do." Odds are, you wouldn't let the guy drive your car.

When we hear different moral laws about our sexuality, they are there for the same reason that guardrails and signposts mark a person's drive along the Pacific Coast Highway. If you want to express your freedom as you drive off the cliff, you're free to do so. But the purity of your soul is worth much more than a car. The Church's moral laws are there for our sake, so that we don't fall for counterfeit versions of love.

If you have tried everything else for years, try purity. You will not regret it. Each year I speak to over one hundred thousand teens about dating, sex, and relationships, and I have never met one who regretted what he or she did not do with a date. I've never had a high school girl come up to me in tears after a chastity talk because she did not sleep with her boyfriend. I've never had a guy confide in me that he was scared to death that his girlfriend was not pregnant. They regret what they've done, not what they've saved.

Imagine you were dating a beautiful young woman who you hoped to marry, and she had never kissed anyone because she wanted only her husband to know the touch of her lips. What man would not be flattered by her integrity and purity? What man would send her away to go a little further with the other guys? If we would be so honored by her, why wouldn't we want to honor our future brides in the same way?

from pureloveclub.com

Q. What's wrong with just looking at a swimsuit magazine?

A. Let's say you meet this beautiful woman, and the two of you become best friends. Before long, you're in love, and eventually you ask her to marry you. The two of you go off to your honeymoon, and return to discover that she's now pregnant with your first child, a little girl.

When the baby arrives, you're the first to see her in the delivery room. Tears fill your eyes as you look at this miniature version of your bride. You're in love all over again, and you stand in awe of what you and your wife and your God have created. You raise her up, teach her to ride a bike, and swoop her into your arms if she ever stubs her knee. She's your princess, and you're her king, and the both of you know it. Years go by, and you begin to raise a family.

Today, it's her seventeenth birthday and so she has a pool party with her friends. She walks out of the house in her bathing suit, and your son takes the opportunity to grab his digital camera and take pictures of her. Since she's so attractive, he publishes the pictures, and even puts them on the Internet. Before too long, there are hundreds of thousands of strange men across the world lusting after your princess. They stare at her body, and make all sorts of sick jokes about what they think of her, and what they'd like to do to her.

At this point, how do you feel? Would you be comforted if they said they were "just appreciating the beauty of womanhood?"

Now imagine the heart of God the Heavenly Father, who loves his daughters infinitely more than you or I could ever love ours. These women in our swimsuit magazines are the daughters of the King of Heaven. What's sad is that we sons have made a market selling His daughters. For this reason, Pope John Paul II challenges us: "each man must look within himself to see whether she who was entrusted to him as a sister in humanity . . . has not become in his heart an object of adultery."(1) We're called to treat women with the honor, purity, and reverence that we would expect all men to treat our daughter with.

I had all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues back in high school, and I knew all the reasons why it wasn't that bad. Granted, none of these arguments really convinced me, but why would I care? I just enjoyed seeing the women. Before I could realize or stop it, the way I saw all women became warped. My standard of physical beauty became that of impossible perfection. As the eye wanders from one page to the next in the magazine with lust, your eyes begin to gaze in the mall from one girl to the next. Before long, you assume that constant lust is pretty much natural for a teenage guy.

Then, we see girls in school or even at church, and without even realizing it, we are turning them into objects. We begin to measure the value of a woman by how much lust she generates in us. We become shallower and shallower. Meanwhile, we lull our consciences to sleep by saying that it really won't affect us that much. The images of porn brand themselves into our minds, and I know all too well how long it takes to erase them.

But it isn't just the images that stick with you. Your wandering eyes stay with you. They don't turn off and stay on one girl when you enter a relationship. You trained them to look at everything that could possibly arouse them. They became gluttons for lust. Now married, I still feel the effects of the porn and swimsuit magazines I looked at over ten years ago. It trains you to have unfaithful eyes: to wander with your eyes towards every attractive woman around. I'm not talking about lusting after every woman, but having a tendency to want to look at every beautiful woman. But my eyes, like my heart and my body, belong to Crystalina (my wife) alone. If I know there is an attractive woman walking my way in the mall, I should look somewhere else, instead of needing to at least glance at her. Now, it's no sin just to see a beautiful woman, but we must re-train ourselves for monogamy (one wife), because porn trains us to have mental polygamy (many wives).
____________________________________________
1. Pope John Paul II, apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem 14 (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women), (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1988).

from pureloveclub.com

Q. What's wrong with just hooking up?

A. When you "hook up" for fun, physical intimacy begins to lose its depth, greatness, sacredness, and power to bond two people. Sex is shared as easily as a handshake, and the couple loses all reverence for the sacredness of each other's body. You begin thinking that physical pleasure is basically for fun, and can solve the problem of boredom or loneliness.

This leads to the idea that if two people agree to do X, then it is okay to do it. Often, this is nothing more than two people agreeing to use each other for mutual gratification. They receive the physical pleasure of being held, the emotional pleasure of being desired, and they remain together so long as they are a source of pleasure for each other. This is not far from prostitution.

Pope John Paul II said, "Deep within yourself, listen to your conscience which calls you to be pure . . . a home is not warmed by the fire of pleasure which burns quickly like a pile of withered grass. Passing encounters are only a caricature of love; they injure hearts and mock God's plan." (1)

In the long run, no one benefits from these kinds of "relationships." I read of one young husband who said, "I would do anything, ANYTHING, to forget the sexual experiences I had before I met my wife. . . . The pictures of the past and the other women go through my head, and it's killing any intimacy. The truth is, I have been married to this wonderful woman for eight years and I have never been 'alone' in the bedroom with her."

So, if you want the love you have been created to give and receive, realize that it takes patience and purity instead of impatience and lust. Purity is the guardian of love.
______________________________
(1) Pope John Paul II, address, 29 April 1989, Antananarivo, Madagascar. As quoted by López, ed., The Meaning of Vocation, 28.

from pureloveclub.com

Q. Is it a good idea to date a player?

A. It's a great idea to date players--if you're looking for herpes, a broken heart, and an emotional attachment to a guy that you should never marry. It is training you for divorce by starting a pattern of bonding and breaking, instead of making wise choices by entering godly relationships. Date a player, and you will get played. End of story.

A lot of girls date players and try to please them for the sake of winning their respect. But the girls never get respected. After all, men only respect women who are not afraid to have standards.

Nobody wants to be rejected, but when a girl lacks a backbone, here's what happens: She might cling to an unfaithful guy, and justify it by saying, "I'm just a really forgiving person." Or, she'll say "I just really like to make him happy" when she's giving a guy sexual stuff in order to keep him so she can satisfy her emotional needs to have someone around for Valentine's Day.

But when a girl is desperate, she'll assume that having a jerk is better than having no guy at all. It's so sad, because God wants to give her something so much better. But, she won't trust God and so she misses out.

from www.chastity.com

Q. I'm not dating anyone, but I'm thinking of hooking up with a guy for the sake of it. I'm just a spontaneous person. Is that bad?

A. If I could make an educated guess, I'd say that you're looking for intimacy, not sex. There's a huge difference, but girls often realize that the hard way.

Check out what this one gynecologist said: "I've asked hundreds of teenage girls whether or not they liked having sex, and I can count on one hand those who said they did. Once they confront their smashed expectations, many teenagers feel that something is wrong--not with sex itself, but with themselves. So, they try harder to make sex 'work,' to make sex provide those things they think it should: intimacy, love, trust, acceptance, appreciation of their masculinity or femininity, relief from their loneliness. When it doesn't work, millions of teenagers assume something is wrong with them, and turn their anger and hurt inward, resulting in depression. . . . We repeatedly return to certain behaviors such as sex, drugs, or drinking to get something that continually eludes us. When we feel empty, we return to a place in which we hope to find some relief or satisfaction of our desires or needs. Even when our behavior fails to satisfy those needs, we return again and again, trying harder to find what doesn't exist." It becomes a vicious cycle.

You had mentioned spontaneity, and I agree that it is fun to have that in a relationship. The problem is that most people think that they are being "spontaneous" by giving in to their hormones and emotional needs at the drop of a hat. This is often either lust or dependency, under the disguise of romance. But hooking up is very different than pure spontaneity.

For example, while dating Crystalina, I came over to her apartment because she said she needed me to help her with something, and she had rose petals all over the place. She had soft music playing, and strawberries with champagne. Then she took me out to eat at my favorite restaurant, and we had a wonderful time, and I expected none of it. It was spontaneous and all of our clothes were on. I think that the romantic spontaneity you have in mind is not what a high school guy is capable of giving you. Hooking up may feel romantic and exciting, but it comes at a price, which is the regret when all is said and done. You and I both know you deserve better. So keep your spontinaity--that's a fun quality to have. But in the mean time, don't compromise your purity.

article from Pureloveclub.com

His Cheatin’ Heart

Men who aren’t chaste before marriage won’t necessarily improve after the wedding.

by Mary Beth Bonachi

I love Dr. Phil.

Well, okay, I don’t love everything about Dr. Phil. His morality differs somewhat from mine, and I don’t think he’d be my first choice as a spiritual director. But it terms of examining human behavior and dishing out plain ole Texas common sense, he’s the best.

Today’s episode was particularly interesting. The topic was “why husbands cheat.” Like most talk shows, the format was to interview men who have cheated and the wives who have suffered as a result. The men, of course, all seemed very contrite. (Of course they did. What else is a guy going to say on national television? “Yeah, that’s my wife crying over there. And I don’t care, because I’m getting mine.”)

Now, before you all start screaming “But women cheat, too,” let me reassure you that Dr. Phil and I both know that. But this show was about men for one particular reason – because men and women tend to cheat for different reasons. This show was about men’s reasons, and that was the part I found so fascinating.

Apparently, men cheat for one reason – sex. This, I suppose, would seem obvious, since that’s what cheating is. But he quoted a statistic that really struck me. Apparently, men who cheat are, overwhelmingly, men who feel “entitled” to take advantage of every sexual opportunity presented to them.

This made me think.

I’ve always been a firm believer that the best way to prevent infidelity is to avoid marrying someone who would be likely to cheat. Again, this seems obvious. (Or, as Dr. Phil would say, “That sounds like the cover story for Duh magazine.”) But nobody says “Well, if things get bad, I’m gonna climb into another woman’s bed.” Most men – and women – enter marriage fully intending to be faithful. But apparently a significant percentage wind up cheating. Why?

Think about it. Cheaters are men who feel entitled to take advantage of every sexual opportunity. What do we expect of unmarried men? What do single guys on television shows (both scripted and “reality”) do? They take advantage of every sexual opportunity. They call it “getting lucky.” They look forward to it. They seek it out. I read recently that “men are embarrassingly easy to seduce.” We, as a society, don’t expect men to refuse sex.

Until they get married.

How much sense does this make? From what I understand, it’s more difficult for men to resist certain sexual “opportunities” than it is for women. (Why, oh why, did God find it necessary to wire us so differently?) And yet, we expect men to indulge those opportunities throughout their bachelorhood, and then suddenly “turn it off” and embrace monogamy once they’re married. It probably seems easy enough during the honeymoon phase, when everything about marriage seems rosy and wonderful. But when boredom sets in, when babies come and leave sagging breasts and bellies in their wake, when sleepless nights and runny noses replace candlelight and romance, other “sexual opportunities” can start to look pretty good. And a guy who hasn’t already learned to resist them, probably won’t start resisting now.

How can a woman prevent infidelity? Marry a man likely to be faithful. They won’t advertise their likeliness to cheat, so it’s important to look for the signs.

Infidelity is about immaturity, low self-esteem and lack of self-control. A man whose interest revolves around getting his needs and desires met, instead of meeting the needs and desires of his partner, is a bad bet. So is a man who seems to crave the constant attention and affirmation of women. Men who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions should also be avoided.

And, if a woman wants a man who will be faithful to her after marriage, she should look for one who has been faithful to her before marriage – one who understands the importance of chastity, and has developed the mature self-control necessary to live it.

I think it’s also important to look at a man’s emotional make-up. Men who struggle with intimacy – those who are afraid of it as well as those who just don’t “get it” -- are also a poor risk. It’s intimacy, and the total self-gift inherent in that intimacy, that differentiates marital lovemaking from mere “having sex.” A man who is incapable of abandoning himself in that way is less likely to find marital sexual union fulfilling, and less likely to see the difference between sex with his wife and sex with a stranger or a mistress.

All married women, on some level, fear the aging process because they know there will be younger, more attractive women available to their visually oriented male husbands. But the best, most centered men don’t remain faithful because their wives remain the most objectively, physically beautiful women on the planet. They do so because what they share with their wives -- the emotional intimacy, the caring, the support, the history – shine through in their lovemaking. And that makes the thought of any other encounter – no matter how beautiful the woman – seem shallow, cheap and ugly by comparison.

That’s the kind of guy – and the kind of marriage -- I’m holding out for. I suggest the rest of you single women do the same.

Q. Is it wrong to flirt with guys?

A. Flirting means different things for different age groups. When I was in second grade, if I liked a girl, I would throw a rock at her. (Fortunately for women, I have since made some progress in this area.) When we matured to the fourth grade, things got more sophisticated: A girl would ask her friend to pass a note to a boy, inviting him to check the appropriate box if he was interested in her. By sixth grade, the tactics were more refined, and a girl might have her friend "accidentally" shove her into a cute boy as they walked out of class. This is all amusing, but by junior high, the girls leave the notes behind as they start to realize what interests guys. This is when flirting can become a problem.

The basic definition of "flirt" is to tease or toy with another; to pay amorous attention to someone without serious intentions. To the degree that one is being impure or dishonest, flirting is wrong. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with letting another person know that you are attracted to him. The problem comes when you lead him on for the sake of amusement or to boost your self-esteem, usually while causing him to have impure thoughts or desires.

If you're attracted to another, be pure and honest in your dealings with him and the Lord will bless your friendship. There is nothing wrong with being playful with the person and going out of your way to meet him. Just make sure your tactics are done with integrity. If you are an affectionate girl, be careful about how you express this. A guy might perceive your affection as a hint that you want him to do more with you. This is because affection usually does not come naturally for guys. It's out of the ordinary, and so the guy may associate it with something sexual.

The best approach is to make your intentions for purity clear, and make sure that your words, your actions, and your outfits convey the same message. Also consider this: Lots of guys will date a flirt, but who wants to marry one? If a girl is flirty toward me, what reason do I have to think that she is not flirting with other guys? A girl is much more attractive if she does not flutter around trying to impress everyone.

One reason a girl may be a flirt is because she wants to be loved. The attention might soothe a wounded self-esteem, but in the end it is like trying to survive on a diet of cotton candy: it tastes sweet but leaves her malnourished. Only God can heal those deep wounds. When a young woman sits still long enough to hear God and when she sees with her heart how he looks at her with love, she recognizes the lewd comments and looks from various guys as nothing more than counterfeit love.

As Mother Teresa said, "Stay close to Jesus. He loves you." By the side of Christ a woman finds her independence. When she stands beside Christ, and he reveals her worth to her, she no longer depends on the approval of random

Article form Pureloveclub.com

Can You Escape the Hound of Heaven

Are you the one seeking God or is God seeking you? Who is seeking who?

There are a lot of new age spirituality and books around that portray God as mountain to be climb. They are more focused on man’s effort to reach the “God who is up there”.

But that is not the Biblical God!

The God of the Bible is like the Hound of Heaven of Francis Thompson.

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;

I fled Him, down the arches of the years;

I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways

Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears

I hid from Him, and under running laughter.

From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.

But with unhurrying chase,

And unperturbèd pace,

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

They beat -- and a voice beat

More instant than the Feet

The story of the Bible is God reaching “down” to man in mercy in love. It is the story of the “great chase”. Even how man have rejected God, He continues to chaste after him. We can see this fully in Jesus Christ. Jesus, who is God, took on flesh to be with us! We can never reach God on our own, so He came down to us.

If you thought you are the one doing all the seeking, God has been seeking you since you were born!

There are times when we feel that God is so far away. Sometimes we feel we can never have a relationship with God because of our sinfulness. The Good News is that God is the one who comes down from heaven to be with us .God loves you more than you can imagine. He loves us even in our sinfulness, but he does not want us to remain there.

Jesus is knocking every moment in your heart. Will you let him in and experience His infinite love for you?

“Look! I am standing at the door and knocking. If anyone listens to my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he will eat with me.” Rev3:20

Have You Ever Experienced that the More You Grasped at Things the More You Got Miserable?

Do you know how monkeys are caught is some islands? They punch a small hole in a coconut enough for the monkey’s hand to barely enter. They then put some sweets inside the coconut as bait for the monkey. Once the monkey slips his hands inside the coconut and grabbed the food inside, his whole hands is stuck. The monkey will try to pull harder and without any success of freeing his hands. He will refuse to let go of what he is holding. The hunters then will catch him without effort. Monkey stew will be served later.

The monkeys own grasping was the cause of his own demise.

We too can be guilty on this grasping. We grab money, fame, sex and power or position zealously. And once we get our hands on them, we hold to them like our life was depending on it. In fear of losing them we do the most craziest and dangerous things. The funny thing about life is the more we try to control it the more we get frustrated.

Our society preaches that if we want to be happy go get what you want. Be a go-getter! They said that humanity have never been this depressed in the whole of history.

So what is wrong with us?

I think the cause of our depression and misery is missing out the very nature of our humanity. We were not meant for grasping, but we were made for self-giving love. We are made in the image and likeness of God and God is Love.

Saint Paul writes, “Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave…”

Pope John Paul said Christ reveals our humanity to ourselves. If so, then grasping is not the proper attitude and action in living our lives. The path to being fully human is the path of self-emptying. The path to a joyful existence is forgetting ourselves in self-giving love.

The paradox of Christianity is the more we forget ourselves the more we find our true nature. And the less we grab the more we get filled. Only with an open hand can God place his blessings our palms.

Q. What if I feel like I don't deserve a good guy? Will someone still love me even if I made some mistakes and am carrying "baggage"?

A. You may think that the holier a guy is, the less likely he would be to accept you with your "baggage." Actually, the opposite is true. The Bible speaks repeatedly of God as the bridegroom and his people as the bride. When Israel turned away from God in the Old Testament, it was described as an act of spiritual adultery. In the book of Hosea, it is written, "the land commits great harlotry by forsaking the Lord. . . . She . . . decked herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers, and forgot me, says the Lord" (Hos. 1:2, 2:13). Even so, the Lord took her in: "I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord." (Hos. 2:19–20).

When a "good guy" loves and accepts a girl who has a bad past, it is an act of love in imitation of the heavenly Father. God loved Israel even when she was impure, and a "good guy" is able to love a woman even if she has an impure past. Through the work of redemption God purifies his bride, "that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish" (Eph. 5:27). Similarly, by living purely with you, a godly man can help you heal your memories. The more a man is like God, the more he will be able to love you as God loves us, with all of your "baggage." He loves us where we are, but loves us too much to leave us there.

So do not let go of hope. I remember at World Youth Day in Toronto, Pope John Paul II said, "You are young and the Pope is old and a bit tired. But he still fully identifies with your hopes and aspirations. Although I have lived through much darkness, under harsh totalitarian regimes, I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that springs eternal in the hearts of the young."(1)

None of us deserves the gifts that God bestows upon us. His generosity is unimaginable. "No ear has ever heard, no eye ever seen, any God but you doing such deeds for those who wait for him" (Is. 64:4 NAB). "Shall I not open for you the floodgates of heaven, to pour down blessing upon you without measure?" (Mal. 3:10, NAB).

The truth is, we have all made mistakes. Even good guys have baggage to some extent. Suppose, though, that you met a young man who had a bad past. Would you refuse to accept him? If you would accept such a man, then why would a good guy refuse to accept you? Keep hope alive, and may the following words from a husband to his wife (who had slept with another man before marriage) be a comfort for you: "I was always held to a higher standard by you than by any other girl I ever dated. You were strong, uncompromised, and pure. That's all I know of you. That's all that matters to me." (2) Do not be afraid that you will not find a good guy or that you will not have a successful marriage. The absence of physical virginity does not doom marriages, but the absence of the virtue of chastity does.
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1. Homily at closing Mass
2. Gresh, And the Bride Wore White, 150.

Looking for the Seeds of a Fulfilling Life?

How do we get out of our pitiful lives and experience the life to the full? How can we say that we are truly alive and not just existing without meaning or purpose? How do we make our lives fruitful not only for us but for others as well?

Let us see what the wisest man who ever lived says about having a fruitful life. “"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” If in case you do not know who said this, it is the God-Man Jesus.

Now let us see what we can learn from a seed. If the seed remains in its shell or coat, it remains idle and alone. It is trapped! Many of us like the seed is trapped in our own egos. We live in our own little world detached from experiencing the world. Because we desperately try to protect our ego, we put barriers. Barriers like the seed’s coat, which blocks people from having a real relationship with us and us with them. Jesus was right, “it remains alone”. I have noticed egoistic people are mostly lonely because they are not fun hang around with. They are trapped in themselves.

So how do we break out of this sad and lonely place? The ego must “falls into the earth and dies”. The ego must die. The pride must die if we really want to live. If we want to experience the world in all its fullness we must stop containing it in the narrow confines of our own ego. Once we realize that the world does not revolve around us, and then we can start to experience it more realistically. Once we give in to the mysteries of life that is when we start to experience the awe of how BIG life is. Our ego is the box we place ourselves and live in. That is why many of us are jaded living inside the box of our egos. But life is to be found outside the box.

“A grain of wheat falls into the earth…. it bears much fruit.” The last part of experiencing a full-filling life is mixing with the earth. No man is an island. We are social beings. Only in giving ourselves to others can we have fruitful and meaningful life. We only need to observe the lives of the great people of our time to see that their greatness came from living a life bigger than themselves. Their life was not about them. People like Ghandi, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa lived not for themselves. They lived their lives trying to make this world a better place.

It is ironic that when we stop being egoistic, self-centered, self-absorbed and eventually selfish that is when we start to really live life. Unless we break out of our narrow confines of our ego we are trapped and alone. Self giving, self donation and self sacrifice are the only way to have a fruitful life.

But whoever loses his life will preserve it.

"Picky"

When it comes to choosing a marriage partner, some standards are worth keeping at any price

Mary Beth Bonacci
April 6, 2004

In preparation for my new, first-ever-in-the-world online course for single adults (more info at www.hmsu.com), I've been doing a radio series on "single adult dating." It's a topic with which I have first-hand experience. And it's a topic that doesn't get a whole lot of attention as its own entity. Most discussions and advice on dating are aimed at teenagers – and that isn't much help to those of us who are full-fledged grownups. So I thought perhaps a few columns on the subject would be in order as well.

Today's radio topic was about standards and the temptation to "settle." I've had so many conversations will unmarried adults who say, "Well, I was hoping to marry someone who was X." (Algebra flashback: X = Catholic/ rich/respectful/whatever standard you wish to insert.) "But I haven't found that person, so apparently I was unrealistic to expect it. Maybe I should lower my standards."

Should they lower their standards? Which standards are worthy of keeping, and which should be tossed overboard? At what point does the dreaded "too picky" label begin to apply?

Obviously, there are a few "standards" that should be tossed out.

Appearance, for instance. Hollywood has given us impossible standards for physical appearance. And often, those who imbibe too freely of the milk of Hollywood culture begin to expect that standard of beauty in their personal life. Guess what? It ain't gonna happen. I frequently see otherwise well-intentioned single people pass by perfectly wonderful potential spouses because "She's not hot enough" or "I prefer guys with dark hair."

Obviously, chemistry is important. If, over time and increasing familiarity, a man doesn't find himself attracted to a woman, or vice versa, then marriage wouldn't be a good idea. But so many people don't even bother getting to know someone if that person doesn't meet their very high standard for physical attractiveness. And that's a mistake.

Then there's money. It's one thing to want to marry someone who is responsible and capable of holding down a job. Women who want to stay home and raise their children are particularly interested in knowing that a man can support a family. But I've spoken with women who won't even date a man unless his salary meets some ridiculous six-figure standard. That's just dumb.

Some standards, on the other hand, need to be held at all costs. Like religious faith, for instance. Far too many single Catholics conclude that it's "unrealistic" to expect to marry another Catholic – particularly one who takes those beliefs seriously. They just figure they'll find someone who meets the rest of their criterion and then "convert" that person, or that they'll ignore their spouse's lack of spirituality and take on all of the duties of creating a faith-based household alone. It's only after the wedding that they find out that their "plan" isn't going to work so well.

On today's radio show, psychotherapist Greg Popcak pointed out the issue of emotional health. So many people look for a spouse who fits their "list" of criterion, but don't take adequate time to look at the quality of the relationship – how well that person relates. Is this person capable of real intimacy? Is he or she willing to discuss feelings, to confront problems head-on? Without that intimacy, marriage becomes a mere partnership, a sort of soul-less quid pro quo, "I'll support you if you raise my children" arrangement.

Speaking of partnerships, I've even run across a few people who have given up on the idea of love all together. They believe, or they've been told, that it's unrealistic to expect to actually "fall in love" with a potential spouse – that after a certain age, they should be read to settle for a "companion" who will provide shelter and financial support.

And there's the question of eligibility to marry. As Catholic singles get older, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to find potential spouses who either have never married or have had their previous marriages annulled. As the pickins get slim, the temptation grows to attempt marriage to someone who is not free to marry in the Catholic Church. People say, "I just can't afford to be that picky. If I hold out for someone with an annulment, I may never get married."

Which is exactly the point. We need to ask the question: What is the ultimate goal here? If the ultimate goal is marriage, then anything that gets in the way of that is dispensable.

But the ultimate goal isn't marriage. The ultimate goal is God, Heaven, and eternal life. Marriage is just one more event along the way. If it helps, if it leads us closer to God, if it helps us to attain His will, it's good. If it distracts us or leads us further away from Him, it's bad.

In that context, the criterion becomes much easier to see. Marriage to a holy but poor man might lead me closer to God. Marriage outside the Church would definitely lead me away from Him.

It's really that simple.

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

by Patricia Crane Ennis LMSW | The Third Option

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

1. Appreciation - Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?

2. Meet each other half way - like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.

3. Become a student - Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

My Favorites Words from the Person I deeply Admire

For about 4 years now i have been serving the poor with the Sisters of Mother Teresa. I have seen the suffering as well as the beauty of the poor. Here are some of my favorites quotes from Mother Teresa:

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."

Here is the bomb!

"Each one of them (the poor) is Jesus in disguise."

Q. What's wrong with masturbation? I think of it as getting rid of your temptations without leading anyone into sin.

A. Masturbation doesn't get rid of temptations any more than a prostitute does. Both may temporarily relieve sexual desires, but our goal as Christians is not simply to get rid of temptations. Our goal is to glorify God with our bodies. The idea that masturbation can be used to decrease sexual desires is like saying that lighter fluid can be used to extinguish a fire. If anything, masturbation incites lustful thoughts and teaches a person that he or she deserves--and needs--sexual gratification whenever the desire arises.

To understand why masturbation is wrong, we need to step back from the world's constant clamoring for sexual "needs" and go back to God's plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. When it is taken out of that context the gift is degraded--and in the case of masturbation, altogether ceases being a gift. The purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the center of the sexual act becomes "me" instead of "we" and the person is trained to look to himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of one's sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure. Only selfless giving will fulfill you.

When people misuse their sexuality in this way, they begin to use pleasure to change their mood, release tension, or forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape. It may pacify them, but it will never satisfy them, because they'll always want more. They use the fantasies of their mind and the pleasures of their body to flee from reality and the call to love. Their goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love. If men and women have trained themselves to use their sexuality in this way, why would this suddenly change once they're married? The husband or wife will simply be a substitute for the fantasies, to be used in place of self. They may even imagine the fantasies while with their spouse. The problem is that the lust will be transferred to the other, not healed within.

Worse yet, merely getting married will not cure their problem with masturbation. Because masturbation has trained disordered impulses in them, the true pleasures of marriage--though far superior--may not appease their warped attachments. Where will they turn to find those pleasures within marriage? Often, they'll continue to struggle with masturbation, to the sorrow and distress of their spouse, and to the detriment of their marriage. A person who does not preserve his own purity when alone will have a difficult time remaining pure with another. If he lacks self-control when alone, he will be unable to properly give himself to his spouse when the time comes. You can not give what you do not control. No self-control equals no gift of self. To the extent that there is no gift of self, there is no love. If you want to be able to genuinely love your spouse, you must build self-mastery.