Have You Ever Experienced that the More You Grasped at Things the More You Got Miserable?

Do you know how monkeys are caught is some islands? They punch a small hole in a coconut enough for the monkey’s hand to barely enter. They then put some sweets inside the coconut as bait for the monkey. Once the monkey slips his hands inside the coconut and grabbed the food inside, his whole hands is stuck. The monkey will try to pull harder and without any success of freeing his hands. He will refuse to let go of what he is holding. The hunters then will catch him without effort. Monkey stew will be served later.

The monkeys own grasping was the cause of his own demise.

We too can be guilty on this grasping. We grab money, fame, sex and power or position zealously. And once we get our hands on them, we hold to them like our life was depending on it. In fear of losing them we do the most craziest and dangerous things. The funny thing about life is the more we try to control it the more we get frustrated.

Our society preaches that if we want to be happy go get what you want. Be a go-getter! They said that humanity have never been this depressed in the whole of history.

So what is wrong with us?

I think the cause of our depression and misery is missing out the very nature of our humanity. We were not meant for grasping, but we were made for self-giving love. We are made in the image and likeness of God and God is Love.

Saint Paul writes, “Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave…”

Pope John Paul said Christ reveals our humanity to ourselves. If so, then grasping is not the proper attitude and action in living our lives. The path to being fully human is the path of self-emptying. The path to a joyful existence is forgetting ourselves in self-giving love.

The paradox of Christianity is the more we forget ourselves the more we find our true nature. And the less we grab the more we get filled. Only with an open hand can God place his blessings our palms.

Q. What if I feel like I don't deserve a good guy? Will someone still love me even if I made some mistakes and am carrying "baggage"?

A. You may think that the holier a guy is, the less likely he would be to accept you with your "baggage." Actually, the opposite is true. The Bible speaks repeatedly of God as the bridegroom and his people as the bride. When Israel turned away from God in the Old Testament, it was described as an act of spiritual adultery. In the book of Hosea, it is written, "the land commits great harlotry by forsaking the Lord. . . . She . . . decked herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers, and forgot me, says the Lord" (Hos. 1:2, 2:13). Even so, the Lord took her in: "I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord." (Hos. 2:19–20).

When a "good guy" loves and accepts a girl who has a bad past, it is an act of love in imitation of the heavenly Father. God loved Israel even when she was impure, and a "good guy" is able to love a woman even if she has an impure past. Through the work of redemption God purifies his bride, "that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish" (Eph. 5:27). Similarly, by living purely with you, a godly man can help you heal your memories. The more a man is like God, the more he will be able to love you as God loves us, with all of your "baggage." He loves us where we are, but loves us too much to leave us there.

So do not let go of hope. I remember at World Youth Day in Toronto, Pope John Paul II said, "You are young and the Pope is old and a bit tired. But he still fully identifies with your hopes and aspirations. Although I have lived through much darkness, under harsh totalitarian regimes, I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that springs eternal in the hearts of the young."(1)

None of us deserves the gifts that God bestows upon us. His generosity is unimaginable. "No ear has ever heard, no eye ever seen, any God but you doing such deeds for those who wait for him" (Is. 64:4 NAB). "Shall I not open for you the floodgates of heaven, to pour down blessing upon you without measure?" (Mal. 3:10, NAB).

The truth is, we have all made mistakes. Even good guys have baggage to some extent. Suppose, though, that you met a young man who had a bad past. Would you refuse to accept him? If you would accept such a man, then why would a good guy refuse to accept you? Keep hope alive, and may the following words from a husband to his wife (who had slept with another man before marriage) be a comfort for you: "I was always held to a higher standard by you than by any other girl I ever dated. You were strong, uncompromised, and pure. That's all I know of you. That's all that matters to me." (2) Do not be afraid that you will not find a good guy or that you will not have a successful marriage. The absence of physical virginity does not doom marriages, but the absence of the virtue of chastity does.
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1. Homily at closing Mass
2. Gresh, And the Bride Wore White, 150.

Looking for the Seeds of a Fulfilling Life?

How do we get out of our pitiful lives and experience the life to the full? How can we say that we are truly alive and not just existing without meaning or purpose? How do we make our lives fruitful not only for us but for others as well?

Let us see what the wisest man who ever lived says about having a fruitful life. “"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” If in case you do not know who said this, it is the God-Man Jesus.

Now let us see what we can learn from a seed. If the seed remains in its shell or coat, it remains idle and alone. It is trapped! Many of us like the seed is trapped in our own egos. We live in our own little world detached from experiencing the world. Because we desperately try to protect our ego, we put barriers. Barriers like the seed’s coat, which blocks people from having a real relationship with us and us with them. Jesus was right, “it remains alone”. I have noticed egoistic people are mostly lonely because they are not fun hang around with. They are trapped in themselves.

So how do we break out of this sad and lonely place? The ego must “falls into the earth and dies”. The ego must die. The pride must die if we really want to live. If we want to experience the world in all its fullness we must stop containing it in the narrow confines of our own ego. Once we realize that the world does not revolve around us, and then we can start to experience it more realistically. Once we give in to the mysteries of life that is when we start to experience the awe of how BIG life is. Our ego is the box we place ourselves and live in. That is why many of us are jaded living inside the box of our egos. But life is to be found outside the box.

“A grain of wheat falls into the earth…. it bears much fruit.” The last part of experiencing a full-filling life is mixing with the earth. No man is an island. We are social beings. Only in giving ourselves to others can we have fruitful and meaningful life. We only need to observe the lives of the great people of our time to see that their greatness came from living a life bigger than themselves. Their life was not about them. People like Ghandi, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa lived not for themselves. They lived their lives trying to make this world a better place.

It is ironic that when we stop being egoistic, self-centered, self-absorbed and eventually selfish that is when we start to really live life. Unless we break out of our narrow confines of our ego we are trapped and alone. Self giving, self donation and self sacrifice are the only way to have a fruitful life.

But whoever loses his life will preserve it.

"Picky"

When it comes to choosing a marriage partner, some standards are worth keeping at any price

Mary Beth Bonacci
April 6, 2004

In preparation for my new, first-ever-in-the-world online course for single adults (more info at www.hmsu.com), I've been doing a radio series on "single adult dating." It's a topic with which I have first-hand experience. And it's a topic that doesn't get a whole lot of attention as its own entity. Most discussions and advice on dating are aimed at teenagers – and that isn't much help to those of us who are full-fledged grownups. So I thought perhaps a few columns on the subject would be in order as well.

Today's radio topic was about standards and the temptation to "settle." I've had so many conversations will unmarried adults who say, "Well, I was hoping to marry someone who was X." (Algebra flashback: X = Catholic/ rich/respectful/whatever standard you wish to insert.) "But I haven't found that person, so apparently I was unrealistic to expect it. Maybe I should lower my standards."

Should they lower their standards? Which standards are worthy of keeping, and which should be tossed overboard? At what point does the dreaded "too picky" label begin to apply?

Obviously, there are a few "standards" that should be tossed out.

Appearance, for instance. Hollywood has given us impossible standards for physical appearance. And often, those who imbibe too freely of the milk of Hollywood culture begin to expect that standard of beauty in their personal life. Guess what? It ain't gonna happen. I frequently see otherwise well-intentioned single people pass by perfectly wonderful potential spouses because "She's not hot enough" or "I prefer guys with dark hair."

Obviously, chemistry is important. If, over time and increasing familiarity, a man doesn't find himself attracted to a woman, or vice versa, then marriage wouldn't be a good idea. But so many people don't even bother getting to know someone if that person doesn't meet their very high standard for physical attractiveness. And that's a mistake.

Then there's money. It's one thing to want to marry someone who is responsible and capable of holding down a job. Women who want to stay home and raise their children are particularly interested in knowing that a man can support a family. But I've spoken with women who won't even date a man unless his salary meets some ridiculous six-figure standard. That's just dumb.

Some standards, on the other hand, need to be held at all costs. Like religious faith, for instance. Far too many single Catholics conclude that it's "unrealistic" to expect to marry another Catholic – particularly one who takes those beliefs seriously. They just figure they'll find someone who meets the rest of their criterion and then "convert" that person, or that they'll ignore their spouse's lack of spirituality and take on all of the duties of creating a faith-based household alone. It's only after the wedding that they find out that their "plan" isn't going to work so well.

On today's radio show, psychotherapist Greg Popcak pointed out the issue of emotional health. So many people look for a spouse who fits their "list" of criterion, but don't take adequate time to look at the quality of the relationship – how well that person relates. Is this person capable of real intimacy? Is he or she willing to discuss feelings, to confront problems head-on? Without that intimacy, marriage becomes a mere partnership, a sort of soul-less quid pro quo, "I'll support you if you raise my children" arrangement.

Speaking of partnerships, I've even run across a few people who have given up on the idea of love all together. They believe, or they've been told, that it's unrealistic to expect to actually "fall in love" with a potential spouse – that after a certain age, they should be read to settle for a "companion" who will provide shelter and financial support.

And there's the question of eligibility to marry. As Catholic singles get older, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to find potential spouses who either have never married or have had their previous marriages annulled. As the pickins get slim, the temptation grows to attempt marriage to someone who is not free to marry in the Catholic Church. People say, "I just can't afford to be that picky. If I hold out for someone with an annulment, I may never get married."

Which is exactly the point. We need to ask the question: What is the ultimate goal here? If the ultimate goal is marriage, then anything that gets in the way of that is dispensable.

But the ultimate goal isn't marriage. The ultimate goal is God, Heaven, and eternal life. Marriage is just one more event along the way. If it helps, if it leads us closer to God, if it helps us to attain His will, it's good. If it distracts us or leads us further away from Him, it's bad.

In that context, the criterion becomes much easier to see. Marriage to a holy but poor man might lead me closer to God. Marriage outside the Church would definitely lead me away from Him.

It's really that simple.

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

by Patricia Crane Ennis LMSW | The Third Option

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

1. Appreciation - Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?

2. Meet each other half way - like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.

3. Become a student - Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

My Favorites Words from the Person I deeply Admire

For about 4 years now i have been serving the poor with the Sisters of Mother Teresa. I have seen the suffering as well as the beauty of the poor. Here are some of my favorites quotes from Mother Teresa:

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."

Here is the bomb!

"Each one of them (the poor) is Jesus in disguise."

Q. What's wrong with masturbation? I think of it as getting rid of your temptations without leading anyone into sin.

A. Masturbation doesn't get rid of temptations any more than a prostitute does. Both may temporarily relieve sexual desires, but our goal as Christians is not simply to get rid of temptations. Our goal is to glorify God with our bodies. The idea that masturbation can be used to decrease sexual desires is like saying that lighter fluid can be used to extinguish a fire. If anything, masturbation incites lustful thoughts and teaches a person that he or she deserves--and needs--sexual gratification whenever the desire arises.

To understand why masturbation is wrong, we need to step back from the world's constant clamoring for sexual "needs" and go back to God's plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. When it is taken out of that context the gift is degraded--and in the case of masturbation, altogether ceases being a gift. The purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the center of the sexual act becomes "me" instead of "we" and the person is trained to look to himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of one's sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure. Only selfless giving will fulfill you.

When people misuse their sexuality in this way, they begin to use pleasure to change their mood, release tension, or forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape. It may pacify them, but it will never satisfy them, because they'll always want more. They use the fantasies of their mind and the pleasures of their body to flee from reality and the call to love. Their goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love. If men and women have trained themselves to use their sexuality in this way, why would this suddenly change once they're married? The husband or wife will simply be a substitute for the fantasies, to be used in place of self. They may even imagine the fantasies while with their spouse. The problem is that the lust will be transferred to the other, not healed within.

Worse yet, merely getting married will not cure their problem with masturbation. Because masturbation has trained disordered impulses in them, the true pleasures of marriage--though far superior--may not appease their warped attachments. Where will they turn to find those pleasures within marriage? Often, they'll continue to struggle with masturbation, to the sorrow and distress of their spouse, and to the detriment of their marriage. A person who does not preserve his own purity when alone will have a difficult time remaining pure with another. If he lacks self-control when alone, he will be unable to properly give himself to his spouse when the time comes. You can not give what you do not control. No self-control equals no gift of self. To the extent that there is no gift of self, there is no love. If you want to be able to genuinely love your spouse, you must build self-mastery.